So I’m making it official… finally. This will be my last post here. “Still Thinking” has been around for 5 years now, which is fairly long in the world of blogging. Did I ever write about how “still thinking” became the name? I decided to start a blog. And I couldn’t think of a smart, catchy, meaningful, all-encompassing, fabulous gem of a name. And so I typed in “still thinking” because I was, literally, still thinking of the perfect name. And, well, it stuck.
In 2007, I thought about breast cancer & breast cancer treatments & beating breast cancer & my job & breast cancer & my mother having breast cancer & my marriage & breast cancer. And then my mother died & I dropped into a hole so deep that I wasn’t sure I would ever breathe again.
In 2008, I thought about anger & therapy & two miscarriages & fertility & anger & quitting my job & just the outright suckage of life & therapy. Lots of therapy. They say there are 5 stages of grief — I got stuck in anger for, oh, a few years. So, so, angry.
In 2009, I thought about miscarriage #3 & living without my mother & infertility & anger & fertility testing & exorcising long-buried religion-related demons & infertility.
In 2010, I thought about mothering my 20-something-year-old sister & being motherless & not being a mother & infertility & religion & bitterness & infertility.
In 2011, I thought about pregnancy. Being pregnant, staying pregnant, obsessively looking for blood & any other sign that this one isn’t going to end well pregnant. And then I became a mother.
And I’m still thinking, obviously… but this no longer feels like the right place to think aloud.
So I want to say thank you. Thank you to whoever is reading & was reading & may read in the future. Thank you for your comments, your emails & your thoughts throughout the last 5 years. There were days, months, maybe even a year or so, that I felt closer to ladies I had never met in real life than I did to the ones I saw daily. My “bloggy friends” were a flotation device that held my nose precariously perched above the waters of anger, grief, loss, bitterness & hopelessness. And then in the next post, we would talk about paint colors & that was ok too.
I’m going to leave this blog up because mothers are dying every day & somewhere, there might be a daughter who needs to know that she’s not going crazy & that, with time, you actually will function again.
Or someone who just had their 3rd miscarriage & got online, only to read that the odds are most definitely not in their favor & who just needs evidence that it IS possible for pregnancy to actually result in a baby.
If you’re reading, will you please email me & say hi? Or friend me on Facebook? If you already don’t know, hi, my name is Sarah Weathers Rettew. Thank you so much for reading.
Catherine Kenealy Coggeshall said:
Aww, this made me tear up a little bit!
Kim Schoolfield said:
LOVE!!!
stephanie shaftman said:
oh no! been reading you for ages. will so miss u
Tammy Kay said:
Big hug, Sarah. I wish that we lived closer to one another. Your little one is beautiful. Let me know if you decide to open up another blog. I’d love to read it. :)
the misfit said:
Aw! Will miss you. Sadly (for this purpose), I’m not on FB. Best to you and the family!
Anonymous said:
You have always been one of my very favorite bloggers. I really have learned a lot from you and I appreciate your friendship on the world wide web! <3
Mina said:
Interwebs will be sadder without you here. Best of luck to you! I have surely enjoyed reading your blog, and will miss it in the future.
Sarah said:
I’ve always loved reading your blog, and am privileged to have been able to follow your journey!
annemiekeh said:
Oh so sad to see this message. Thank your for allowing us to be a part of your journey. Loved your writing and your continued openness and honesty; all with a great dose of humor. We will miss you and wish all the best to you and your entire family. I will try to friend you on FB but since you don’t know.me from Adam I’ll completely understand if you decline!
Anonymous said:
Have always enjoyed reading your blog. Your total honesty has always touched me. We are friends on Facebook so I can continue to be updated and see pictures of your absolutely adorable little girl.Peace and love to you.
Heather said:
I will miss this. But I’m so happy you and your new normal. Love!!!
conceptionallychallenged said:
Sarah – I just found your blog and am so sad to be “too late”. I, too, lost my mother to breast cancer, and know the pain of not having a mother and not being a mother. I’m so glad you have your little one now.
Courtney Barrett said:
Hi Sarah, I stumbled upon your blog two days ago and literally read every word, just finished this morning… I too lost a parent, my dad passed away in 2000 from Brain/Lung/Liver/Bone Cancer and reading your raw emotions took me back to that time and it was very therapeutic… We also had fertility issues, 4 miscarriages and finally moving to surrogacy to have our beautiful twin daughters, Camille and Avery.. I am trully going to miss you blog, thank you for putting it all out there.. You really are very brave and I wish you and your family all of the best.. Thanks!
Courtney
Anonymous said:
I have to agree with Catherine…this made me tear up as well. Thank you for this blog and thank you for leaving it up. I would like to share it with a friend. I wish I didn’t have to. Big hugs to you and I’ll see you on Facebook. :)
Whitney said:
Ahhhh, I feel so mixed about this. I’m a little sad that I’ll miss some of the funnier Sarah moments… ’cause I know they are still happening. :) I’m also happy that you’ve reached this point. The blog served its purpose & I’m glad you are able to move on.
Love you much, friend.