Still alive over here. Not gonna lie, I’ve been struggling a little. Ok, more than a little. Last week, I had a bit of a breakdown. Or maybe a breakthrough. It’s been coming for awhile… like my Mama’s pressure-cooker with the little top shaking & jiving & hissing & seeming like any minute it’s going to blow across the room. I’ve been hissing & shaking & a little bit, um, unbalanced. Mentally disheveled, if you will. And last week, it all came gushing, spilling, pouring out like an agitated volcano.
Let’s backtrack. I have a big scribbly mess where my brain used to be. I began acknowledging this mess a few weeks ago, but it didn’t reach it’s full wretchedly chaotic potential until last week. Feelings of frustration… WHAT THE HELL is wrong with me?!? Isolation… I’m a mess & don’t want to admit it. Exhaustion… it’s so much work just holding onto thoughts for more than a couple of seconds, much less long enough to communicate them or write them down. Soooo I think I’ll take a nap. And terror… is this me now? Is this long-term? Oh god.
I snap easily. I have a short(er) fuse these days. Bobby says I’m scary. I went shopping with Jennifer last week & actually broke down crying — like ugly-face sobbing with snot, tears, the works — in the dressing room because I couldn’t zip a size 16 skirt. SIXTEEN. My wedding dress was a SIX. I understand that I got married almost 9 years ago & many things have happened that have taken a toll physically (motherloss, miscarriages, childbirth). I understand that I will never be a size six again & I’m honestly completely ok with that. But sixTEEN, I’m not ok with.
Every morning I get up & do what I do best these days… be Rose’s mother. I could hold her all day, every day. Every day, every single day, I gaze at her in wonder… that she’s real, that she’s healthy & happy, that she’s HERE. Every day for the last 6.5 months, I’ve studied her nose, her fingers, her eyelashes, & been amazed. I’m not exaggerating here… I really am completely infatuated with this tiny human. While I’m doing all that gazing & studying, however, all the stuff I’m NOT doing is piling up. I’m not doing laundry or cleaning or doing the finances or keeping the house in a reasonable order. And forget the projects that I have pending — the reorg of the laundry room or shoveling through my craft area? Ha. I’m not even showering so I’m sure as hell not worrying about the messy state of my gift wrap.
So then the breakdown (breakthrough?) last week happens. Not going to go into detail about that, but it involved a whole lot of spewing, followed by a whole lot of thinking. And in the last few days, I’ve actually taken a some tiny steps in a good direction.
- I went grocery shopping for healthier foods & threw all of our crap food away. I know that crap food makes me feel like, well, crap…. & if it’s in the house, I’ll eat it.
- I downloaded the WeightWatchers app on my iphone because tracking my food has been a helpful thing for me in the past… it’s something that I can control, & anything that gives me some semblance of control is a good thing right about now.
- I started tracking Rose’s schedule so that I can figure out if there’s a pattern. Currently, we’re on what you might call “the Rose-led schedule”… meaning Rose decides what we do & when we do it & each day is different from the one before. Translation: there is no schedule.
- I started making my bed every day. I know this sounds insignificant, but it makes me feel better to see all the pillows & blankets pulled smooth & neat. Again with the control thing.
- I didn’t write a goodbye post on this blog. In a way, this blog represents my brain activity. I think it’s because it’s been around for so long… since 2006… & the fact that it’s been neglected has been like a nagging peddle in my shoe. I came *this* close during my breakdown (breakthrough?) last week to just shutting it down & having one less thing to feel guilty about. But I didn’t because I need to write. I may relocate at some point… but not yet.
So there has been a tiny movement toward self-improvement. Perhaps “movement” is an overstatement… it’s been more of a twitch. But I’ll take it.