Yesterday, I was struck by how completely, 1000% invested I am in this little girl. It frightens me, although I wouldn’t want it to be any different. The “what if’s” still creep into my head like cockroaches… what if she doesn’t make it? what if the cord wraps around her neck? what if there’s something horribly wrong with her that they haven’t detected during the ultrasounds? what if I have complications during the birth and things go badly? what if? I don’t know what I’ll do, honestly. I have difficulty picturing my life with her in it, with knowing what my life is going to look like in 55 days. But I have even more difficulty picturing my life without her. She’s a part of me. How will I recover if the “what if” happens? How will I pull it back together once again? Would I be even able to pull it back together again? The potential loss of her terrifies me.
I know that there’s nothing more I can do to prevent bad things from happening. I know that if there’s something the ultrasounds haven’t detected, it’s out of my control & I’ll figure out how to deal with it as it comes. I know that sometimes I have to just commit & trust that things are going work out this time. I just want her to be healthy and alive. I want her to be perfect. I want the chance to be a mother, Rose’s mother.