(written Wednesday morning immediately following anatomy scan)
Anatomy scan complete. All the measurements were perfect, & Z4 is measuring in the 82nd percentile. Somebody pinch me. I’m 20 weeks pregnant with a healthy, (above) average baby. So unreal to watch the little arms & legs squirming in there… I was literally holding my breath for at least the first half of the scan, intently absorbing & analyzing every word, pause & twitch from the ultrasound tech. So, so wonderful to NOT hear anything bad, or the long pause that precedes “I’m going to get the doctor.”
According to our agreement, we dutifully turned our heads when she made the sex determination. I asked if she was sure, & she said “The Lord has taught me that you can’t be 100% positive of anything, so I’m gonna say I’m 99% certain.” Ah, the South… gotta love it :)
While I was reassembling myself, she busily organized all the ultrasound pics, & laid a stack of prints beside me. So what did I do? Picked them up, of course… & as I was flipping through while she & Bobby chatted, I found a picture of two little baby legs & an arrow reading “FEMALE.” I’m pretty sure I stopped breathing.
I managed to replace the pics beside me & no one seemed to notice… I asked “Are these mine?” & she said “Oh, let me edit those first… don’t want to ruin the surprise!” She plucked several pictures out of the stack & stapled them into an envelope. Uh, too late, lady. Just sayin’.
I debated all the way to the waiting room on whether to tell Bobby. I think that if it had said “male,” I wouldn’t have told him… I’ve known since the beginning that he’s been convinced of Z4’s maleness, & so I would have just let it be confirmed this evening. But I knew that this was going to throw him for a little bit of a loop… & so I told. I’m really glad I gave him the chance to process it on his own. He was shocked… not disappointed or sad… just recalibrating his mental picture. He keeps saying “That’s just crazy. Just crazy. We’re having a girl. That’s just crazy.” in a tone of awe & maybe a bit of fear. I think the thought of being a little’s girl’s daddy frightens him… but me? The thought of him being a little girl’s daddy, OUR little girl’s daddy, makes me weep. And weep I have… 3 times in the last hour.
I’m SO FLIPPIN’ EXCITED, ya’ll. I feel like I just pressed the “easy button” on clothing, etc because I’ve got the hook-up with Maggie & Sadie. As I was falling asleep last night, I had a dreamy, not-completely-awake thought of what our little girl’s nursery will look like… & I remember thinking “I need to tell Bobby it’s going to be a girl” but then deciding to go to sleep instead.
I feel so close to Mama right now — like I’ve been given the chance to recreate our mother/daughter relationship, but make it even better. Because for our little girl, she’ll have a mommy AND a daddy who she can trust. She’ll know her daddy loves her from the very beginning, & she’ll never feel fearful of him. She’ll grow up being able to speak & be heard, without ever knowing what it feels like to be “God Girl.” She’ll grow up in a nurturing, loving church, & The Church will only be stories that she hears her mama & aunts talking about. She’ll never hear a man condemning her from the pulpit in the name of God, & she’ll be taught that Jesus does indeed love her because she’s HER, not because she follows “the rules.” I absolutely cannot wait to give my little girl the life that I wished for so fervently as a child… a childhood free of religious hang-ups & God-related fear & not being allowed to take ballet lessons because the leotards were “worldly.”
I’m so incredibly grateful for this little stinker hanging out inside me. And now I’m crying again… & they’re happy tears.