I went to a baby shower on Saturday. And I didn’t cry on the way home, or feel bitter during gift-opening, or glance at the clock every 5 minutes to see if I had done enough time. It was really nice to just go & feel like a normal person… like one of The Mommy Club. Of course, I think if you’re truly a bonafide member of The Mommy Club, you don’t even think about the fact that there IS a club… it’s just your life.
I know that when Z4 arrives, it’s not all going to be easy-peasy cake & sunshine. I know (on a theoretical level, obviously) that children change everything. I think one of the lingering gifts of infertility, based on my observations, is the guilt that comes after you finally get your baby, & you ARE frustrated. You ARE tired & you DO feel overwhelmed & think “holy crap, what did I get myself into?” And then you catch yourself feeling ungrateful & the guilt descends because you wanted this so, so badly for so, so long, & there are countless others who would trade with you in a skinny minute, & you don’t even feel like you have the right to complain like a “normal” mother.
I have a goal to strike a balance somewhere in between “former infertile mommy” & “normal mommy.” Of course, moderation has never been my strong point, so it’s a lofty goal, I know… I want my miscarriages to make me better mother, not become something that’s pushed into my past & forgotten as I embrace finally becoming a member of the exclusive Mommy Club.