On Thursday, Jennifer & I went maternity clothes shopping. She’s been mentioning it for awhile, & I guess the fact that I was wearing the same pair of pants every time she saw me must’ve clued her into the fact that the time was nigh. So we loaded up the littles & away we went.

Jennifer decided that Destination Maternity would be the best place to start. I was absolutely certain that there’s no way in hell I would walk into that store unaccompanied. Into the mall we go, with Maggie & Sadie in a tank double stroller. The nice little salesgirl asked us what we were shopping for today, & I announced, “I’m pregnant & don’t have any maternity clothes.” So she says “Well, we’ll take care of that” & she buzzes off & starts grabbing things left & right. I was shooed to the dressing room, where the salesgirl & Jennifer started handing stuff through the curtain.

It was a bit frantic for the first little while. I’m sweating, pulling clothes on & off, while Maggie & Sadie, who are (understandably) bored out of their little gourds start crawling underneath my dressing room walls. I give them my necklace to play with (mistake, yes I know, the necklace is no more) & Maggie wrapped it around Sadie’s neck & pretended like Sadie was her puppy. Meanwhile, there are more & more clothes appearing around the curtain, & have I mentioned that I HATE trying clothes on?

Then suddenly Maggie announces “I have to go stinky!” & Jennifer takes her to the bathroom, where she drops a little baby bomb. And while they’re in the bathroom, Jennifer’s stomach is hit by a rumble & she has to go too. When they come out, the entire store is smelly & Jennifer blames it all on Maggie, who doesn’t mind. Then Maggie announces (yells) “I HAVE TO GO STINKY WEALLY BAD!” and they head back to the potty, only to realize that she did indeed have to go “weally bad.” So bad, in fact, that she didn’t make it. So Jennifer throws her Snow White panties in the garbage, & asks me if I mind having some alone time while she goes toddler panty shopping. Um no, I don’t mind alone time… at this point, I can’t think of anywhere I’d rather be less than this hot, stinky maternity dressing room.

After Jennifer rolled the stink-tank away, I got dressed in MY clothes & exited the dressing room… told the nice little salesgirl that I needed to just look around for a few minutes. She realized that I was about to melt & brought me a water. Things immediately got better. I found a few more things & headed back to the dressing room, armed with ice water & a renewed determination. Again, my little helper whisked all the “yeses” away & took them to the register. You see where this is going…

When I finally announced I was done, I headed to the register & was stunned by the mountain of clothing that greeted me. I had completely lost track of how many “yeses” I had, & at this point, I was ready to escape the store, the mall, everything. So I gulped & watched her ring it up. I’m not going to tell you what my total was, because it’s embarrassing & ridiculous & completely exorbitant. I almost threw up. Think car payment. Or maybe small mortgage payment. Jennifer started giggling, while I’m pretty sure I turned pale. Or maybe green.

And you know what Bobby did? He laughed. He thought the entire story was hilarious. And when I told him that I was going through it all & returning most of it, he threatened to pull the tags off. I think he’s enjoying the role reversal — me, the Nerd, blowing the budget while he, the Free Spirit, gets to watch & laugh. It’s the most ludicrous, irresponsible thing I’ve done in… um, I can’t remember the last time. It’s been years.

But can I just say that I wore one of my new outfits to dinner that night, & it was super-cute? And oh-so-comfy? And maybe, just maybe, I was glad I had it? Not small-mortgage-pymt-worth of glad, but somewhat glad nonetheless.

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