This past Friday night, Bobby was in a massive funk. I coerced & cajoled, pled & implored him to tell me what the problem was, all to no avail. He kept giving me a work-related non-answer, when it was quite obvious that something else was going on. I said I wanted to run into the grocery store for more oranges, & he made some snort-like sound that just plain ol’ pissed me off. I told him to quit being a jackass, he told me to get off his back. Commence silent treatment.
Fast-forward an hour or so, & he finally started talking. Apparently Z4’s resemblance to a real, live human during that morning’s ultrasound had freaked him right the hell out. He realized that this is real, that we’re really (maybe) going to have a baby, that nothing’s ever going to be the same. Plus he’s turning 37 years old in a coupla weeks, which, to quote him, “is almost 40.” He’s worried about our finances, that his business won’t be able to support the 3 of us. He’s worried that we don’t have enough financially in place in terms of savings, retirement, etc. He’s worried about having a home office in our house, with me staying home & a new baby… that he won’t be able to focus & the business (our sole source of income) will suffer. He’s worried that our house isn’t big enough. Basically, he’s scared shitless.
Some of his points are valid. We don’t have our savings/retirement where it should be… not even close. A screaming baby while he’s trying to conduct business in the next room is a potential issue, one that hadn’t occurred to me. Yes, I wish our house had one more bedroom. And there’s always the chance that a business can take a financial downturn, even one that’s doing well (his is, thankfully). But none of these are things that we can’t figure out.
We just let the conversation ride with the agreement that we would both think about potential solutions & continue working on it. And for the first time, since that conversation, I’ve been thinking about what’s next. I’ve been so focused on the pregnancy that I haven’t given any thought to post-pregnancy. I know, I know, I have plenty of time. September seems like forever away.
But still, it’s ::gulp:: daunting. Bobby & I have been married for 8 years in May. That’s a long time to settle, to fall into a routine, to get used to how things are. And now, if Z4 sticks around, it’s all going to change. It’s difficult to comprehend what our lives are going to look like this time next year or in 5 years. Exciting? Absolutely. But scary as hell.
**Disclaimer: Z4, just because I’m expressing some level of anxiety about the unknown does not mean that you are, in any way, off the hook. You need to stay put & do your fetus thing. That’s an order.