I’m so afraid that Z4 is gone. I’ve spent the last week in a quiet holding pattern, fluctuating between the “what if’s.” What if he makes it? What it he doesn’t? I’ve been comforted by the symptoms that I have had, but frightened by the ones I don’t. The nausea has all but disappeared. Is this just because the 1st trimester is passing? Or is it because Z4’s no longer with us? I woke up this morning with a pit of terror in my stomach, realizing that I didn’t wake up at all during the night to pee. I bought a doppler, but I can’t find his heartbeat. I’m so damn afraid.

And tonight I have a 2-hr training for work, & then my coworkers want to go out for Mexican. How do I not order a margarita? Do I tell them that I think I’m pregnant? Do I make up an excuse not to go?

Our ultrasound appt is tomorrow morning at 7:45am. I admit, the thought of sleeping this entire day has crossed my mind, just to make it pass more quickly. I can’t write a “10 weeks” post until I know that the little critter is still alive. It just seems foolish to chronicle something that may not even exist.

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