… that’s my freakin’ brain. It won’t shut the eff up.

Last month, we (Jennifer & I) decided to make another trip to VA to visit my mom’s family in January. So we put it on the calendar for this weekend.

Then this whole Z4 thing happened, & I decided that if he was still sticking around by the end of Jan, I would tell my grandparents during the visit. I mean, it’s not like I could hide it from them… they’re very perceptive, & I’d be keeping my progesterone supps in the fridge. Not exactly hard to pick up there. As this weekend drew closer, though, I started chickening out. Yesterday was 7 weeks. It’s still too early. Even though I rationally know that telling my family has no bearing on whether Z4 makes it, I still have an overwhelming fear of jinxing it.

So then the snow kept falling, & my grandfather recommended that we not come because of travel conditions. And I felt so. completely. relieved. I want to visit them, I do. But AFTER Feb 4th.

I don’t feel like I can trust myself. Every little twinge that may be a symptom, I dissect it. I tell myself that I felt that way before too, that it’s not pregnancy-related. I think… & this sounds incredibly stupid, but I’m going to say it anyway. I think that I’m afraid of how damn stupid I’ll feel if I’m like “oh, I have SO MANY symptoms” & then I go in next week & Z4’s been gone for two weeks. And I realize that I actually didn’t have ANY symptoms, that they were all in my head. I don’t want to convince myself that I FEEL pregnant if I don’t. And as a result, I’m being ridiculously critical of every thought I think or feeling I feel.

I know I’m overanalyzing this. I need to just chill & just BE. I have no control over this. I can’t make The Big Ultrasound Day arrive more quickly.

Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. What was my mantra again? Oh yeah…

I am pregnant until proven otherwise.

I am pregnant until proven otherwise.

I am pregnant until proven otherwise.

Repeat ad nauseam.