I swear, this might have been the longest 8 days in history. And now that the 1st ultrasound is almost here, I’m dreading it a little. I keep wondering what I’m going to do if there’s no heartbeat. How am I going to function? How I am going to still have even the smallest shred of hope after 4 failed pregnancies? Can I try again if this doesn’t end well?

I don’t know.

I’ve been taking symptom inventory every day. The only symptom that’s been consistent is sore boobs. The nausea comes & goes…. for the last 3 days, I’ve felt fine. When the nausea left, the exhaustion arrived — I’ve been like the walking dead this week at work. It’s all I can think about, all I can focus on.

I want to believe, I do. I want to believe that Z4’s a fighter & he will conquer the Womb of Death. I want to believe that this time is different, & this is actually going to happen for us.

It’s just so hard not to prepare for the worst, you know?

If you’re the praying kind, will you please send up one or two for Z4 tomorrow at 8am? If you’re not into prayer, positive thoughts are also very much appreciated.

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