Written on Monday, Jan 3rd:

I had my first labwork done today… beta is 248. The RE’s nurse said it’s decent, & wrote me an order for another blood draw on Wednesday. I told the nice nurse lady that I didn’t take my progesterone supps during vacation & that I’ve probably already killed this one too. She used a soothing voice & told me that we can’t change the past, but that I shouldn’t, under any circumstances, skip any meds until further notice. & she cancelled my appt on Friday… said we’ll reschedule based on betas.

Oh, & I’ve puked twice today… both lunch & dinner made a reappearance. Sue had a stomach bug at the cabin, so it might be that. Or it might be hormone-related. But probably not.

So that’s what I know, which really isn’t very much. I swing wildly between panic that this is happening again & resignation about how it might end. I notice every twinge, check the toilet paper every time, poke my boobs to make sure they still hurt. And let’s not forget the testing… I have a line-up of used pee-sticks on the bathroom counter. I’m trying not to completely topple off the deep end, but I gotta say, the deep end is beckoning.

Bobby keeps telling me to take one tiny step at a time, & so that’s what I’m attempting to do. Today’s step was beta #1 & puking. And I did that perfectly. Yay me.

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