how do I unclick this button?

Our appointment with the RE is Friday, Jan 7. I’m actually feeling excited about it, because I know that we’re going in with some money saved & both of us in ass-kicking mode. I’m done with this infertility crap, people. ONWARD! (waves imaginary sword in the air ferociously)

I’m not totally discounting this cycle, but I’m just over it… I’m ready to enjoy the holidays without peeing on a stick every two seconds. I’ve been thinking a lot about the next step, & what 2011 holds for us. For the first time, I’m seriously thinking about what happens if my body just can’t do pregnancy. Since this miscarriage fun started back in 2008, I’ve figuratively (& sometimes literally) stuck my fingers in my ears every time this subject is mentioned. I’ve been determined that I WILL get pregnant & carry MY child in MY uterus, damn it. This is my Plan A. There is no Plan B, thankyouverymuch.

But what if. What if I just can’t? What if Plan A never works? What if my uterus is a permanently inhospitable environment? What then? I’ve been thinking, for the first time, about surrogacy as Plan B. About the logistical & emotional impact of someone else’s womb incubating my child. I’m just beginning to investigate, & there’s so much I don’t know or understand yet. But I think, on a very basic emotional level, I could it do. And I think it’s on my list before adoption. I can’t even explain why coherently because I don’t fully understand it myself. I think it has a lot to do with my inherently selfish nature. Sharing isn’t something that I do easily. With surrogacy, I’m sharing for 9 months. With adoption, I’m afraid that I’ll feel like I’m sharing forever.

I know that there are two ways to arrive at the decision to adopt. There are the people who always thought they might adopt, who always considered it as an option. And there are the people who arrived at adoption only after exhausting other avenues… not because adoption is the lesser of the options, but because it’s not what they chose when given the choice. I’m in the second group. I’m scared of adoption. I’m scared of being permanently connected to another woman, the woman who will always have an unbreakable biological connection to my child. To OUR (my & her) child.

Just this week, a bloggy friend who has been fighting the good fight for years got hammered by a commenter about her terminology when discussing the child that she’s in the process of adopting. The commenter pointed out that she shouldn’t really call the baby “HER” baby because it’s not. It was hurtful, & it took some of the joy from this bloggy friend who for years has been waiting for a baby to call HER baby.

Adoption isn’t pressing the easy button on infertility. It’s complex & emotionally draining & for every wonderful aspect, it seems that there’s also a hard, painful aspect. People who use the phrase “just adopt” don’t know what they’re talking about… because nowhere in the adoption process is the word “just” appropriate. It’s like telling me to “just” get pregnant & “just” have a baby 9 months later. Don’t I WISH it was “just” that easy.

So I said all that to say this… surrogacy — in the deep recesses of my mind behind the potential fertility treatments that I’m still willing to undergo — is next up to bat. It’s #3 on my to do list. It’s Plan B.

  1. Have a glass of wine & relax. Oh wait, I’ve been doing that for 3+ years.
  2. Whatever the RE says (we’re open to pretty much anything — IUI, IVF, etc)
  3. Surrogacy
  4. Adoption

And of course this is subject to change. Isn’t everything in this infertility business?