So I talked this morning in our church group… I actually just printed out my last post & read it word for word. It was received well, I think (hope) — most laughed, a few cried, & there was much group discussion afterward, which I took to be a good sign. My favorite comment, from a man who I’ve really come to like & respect, was, “You may still have some work to do, but the fact that you’re even here talking to us right now is a huge accomplishment. You need to give yourself credit for that.” It felt nice to hear him say that, obviously, but it made me realize how far this process has come in the last 2 years.
The pic is of our kitchen wall — found this little vinyl wall decal on etsy. Love the saying… seems very appropriate on a daily basis.
Let’s recap. Today I sat in a roomful of people & told them about The Church, about my childhood, about my father. I told them I don’t pray, & I told them why. I don’t regret it. I don’t feel guilty. I don’t believe that I “betrayed” The Church — the same Church that I spent years of my life protecting & hiding. I feel a little freer than I did yesterday. And a whole hell of a lot freer than I did 2 yrs ago.
And while I sometimes get annoyed with blogging in general, I am so very glad that it’s been documented thus far. In January 2009, The Church kids “spoke” for the first time via face.book. The online communication led to a very emotional, very eye-opening face-to-face meeting in Aug-09. In January 2010, Bobby & I discovered the “Heretics” class. And in the 10 months since then, for the first time in my entire life, I’ve begun to tell “the voice” that’s always been inside my head to can it. It doesn’t always listen, but I don’t hear it nearly as often as I used to.
The man I mentioned above spoke last week about prayer. He shared something he wrote… I hope he wouldn’t mind me sharing here. I think it’s lovely.
“My Tired God”
Thankful prayers with grateful words
Appreciate, gratified, blessed
Words to approach a generous God…
Desperate prayers with troubled words
Fearful, distressed, worried
Words to approach a caring God…
Enlightened prayers with eloquent words
Immaculate, omniscient, omnipotent
Words to approach an intelligent God…
Reverent prayers with adoring words
Master, Glorious, Magnificent
Words to approach a faultless God…
Angry prayers with furious words
Abandoned, Forsaken, infuriated
Words to approach a harsh God…
Anxious prayers with frantic words
Lost, frightened, bothered
Words to approach a compassionate God…
Salvation prayers with liberating words
Everlasting, unending, saved
Words to approach an eternal God…
Thoughtful prayers with soothing words
Father, Heaven, Love
Words to approach a sympathetic God…
Lots of prayers, lots of words, lots of Gods
A continuous prayer with few words
Laughing, crying, loving, living, dying
As I approach my tired God…