I’m experiencing some serious pissiness these last few days. I tell myself I want to snap out of it, but I’m not even sure that’s entirely true. I haven’t had a good, weeping, wailing pity party in a while… maybe I’m due for one. I cried multiple times today. Don’t remember the last time that happened.
My Whine List is as follows:
My sisters & I are fighting about who’s going to move Sue back to Charleston, & when. Sue’s shit is all over my house & it makes me crazy. I’m sick of feeling like Bobby & I are the only ones who step up when Sue needs help… but I’m pretty sure that feeling isn’t really justified. I know that the urge to scream “IT’S YOUR TURN! I’ve already had my turn THE LAST FIVE TIMES!” is just more of the Poor-Me Syndrome. Yesterday, we had a family brawl at a restaurant. That was super-duper fun. Jennifer & Sue argued about the right way to do Sue’s moving schedule. Tom got aggravated because yet another of his days off is being consumed by our family obligations (& drama). Bobby kept correcting Sue in a very annoyingly parental way (until I finally hissed at him to can it). Maggie crawled up into the booth. And down on the floor. And up. And then down. While LOUDLY repeating the same thing over & over & over. Sadie waved a Tylenol bottle that we had given her to play with, & the lid flew off & pills flew everywhere. And I held my head in my hands & wanted to stab myself in the eyeballs with my fork. And tried not to cry. Because that’s what I do these days, apparently.
I’m worried the Cousin M is hurt that I haven’t already been to visit her & the new baby. When I think of it, I feel an overwhelming wave of guilt & anxiety. And I’m feeling very hatefully prickly about all things baby-related — I honestly don’t know if I can stand to sit & smile through a visit of my younger sister & my younger cousin sharing baby tips. And yet I love Cousin M, & she’s done so much to make this as comfortable as possible for me. I know I need to suck it up. And I will… my relationship with her is infinitely more important to me than indulging in my own baby-related bitchiness. But right this minute, at 1:50am, I’m feeling very sad & irrational & incapable of shaking it off & sucking it up.
Oh, & while I’m whining, I might as well make a clean sweep. I am EFFING SICK of not having a car. Bobby & I have been a one-car family for more than two months now. You see, we have this stupid idea of buying a car with cash. Which is a fabulous idea, except for the minor detail of, oh, my husband is self-employed & my salary is laughable & the last few months have been financially tight & hey, we’ve made it two months, so we can make it little longer, right? So I’ve been walking to work & bumming rides & asking Bobby for his schedule every day & trying to plan my errands around his calendar. And I know that having a car at my disposal is totally a luxury… I KNOW this. But it’s a luxury that I’ve found it very difficult to live without on a daily freaking basis.
Ok, I’m done. For now.