The self-pity monster got me this past weekend. I anticipated his arrival, & I tried to steel myself for the assault. I did ok, I think… kept my smile in place & only dripped a couple of tears into the pillow before falling asleep.
I know, wahhhh, poor me.
Jennifer & I went to visit my cousin, M… you know, the 8-months-pregnant one. She’s wonderful, truly she is. For someone who has never experienced infertility or babyloss, she has an amazing ability to empathize. And while I’m so happy for her & her husband, I’m also just so damn sad for myself & Bobby. Both she & the nursery are lovely — she wears stylish little maternity dresses & the nursery sports cheery yellow walls with custom bedding & monogrammed baby cuteness exploding from every corner. She & Jennifer talked about breast pumps & preferred pacifier brands & sleeping schedules & epidurals. And there were some tiny outfits that her mother smocked for her first grandchild, just like my mother planned to smock for her own grandchildren… they were beautiful & perfect & they made my heart hurt. But my goal was to not let it in… to be interested & engaged without applying it to myself or my own situation. I’m not just acting excited for her — I AM excited for her. I am. It’s just so effing difficult to shut down the insidious, selfish, & ever-present little whisper of “when’s it gonna be MY turn?!?”
But in keeping with who she is, M knew exactly what to do. She called me this week & told me that she understood that the visit was hard. And that it would be abnormal if I DIDN’T think “why can’t this be me?” And how much she appreciates me visiting & ohhing & ahhing over the nursery. Again, she noticed & acknowledged what I did instead of being annoyed & hurt about what I didn’t do. Inexplicably, she continues to “get” it. Incredibly, bitter infertile me loves pregnant fertile her MORE during this process. Not that I didn’t love her before, but…. oh, you know what I mean. I just really appreciate her willingness to put herself in what has to be an uncomfortable place in order to maintain our relationship.
Next Sunday, July 25th, Jennifer & I are hosting a baby shower for M. I plan to make lots of tissue pom-poms & topiary centerpieces. Cuz’ when you’re feeling down about your baby-killer uterus, a nice, involved topiary project will fix it every time. Anybody out there ever make topiaries? If not, standby… I’ll let ya’ll know how it goes.