I just had a phone conversation with M, my very favorite cousin/sisterfriend. She’s 28 wks pregnant. Her little boy is due in August. It was a very short little conversation, just a brief 15 minutes or so. But during that 15 minutes, she told me that she loves me & she knows that this is difficult for me. While enjoying her happy & healthy first pregnancy, she took a few minutes to acknowledge the other side, the side where things aren’t necessarily happy or healthy.
It’s hard to verbalize how much that conversation meant to me. Since finding out about M’s pregnancy a few months ago, I’ve felt a barrier come down between us — a barrier of my own making. I’ve been happy for her, sad for myself, & feeling (irrationally) more than a little abandoned as yet another person moves away to Baby Island. I’ve been so afraid that I’m going to say something wrong to her — that my sadness would offend or hurt her. One of my greatest fears during the last couple of months… & I think this is one of the reasons that this journaling space has felt less honest of late… is that I’ll lose her just as I lost my sister for a time. Infertility has taken enough — I don’t want it to take any more of my most valued relationships.
But M let me off the hook. She loves me. She understands that my heart hurts & that I’m still sad. She thanked me for the interest & excitement that I’ve shown for her little one… and that’s a first for me. Other pregnant women take the interest & excitement as a given, as their due. They only notice if it’s lacking. But M? She noticed because it was there, not because it wasn’t. How lovely is that?