I’ve had a few moments (well, maybe more than a few) when I question my decision to press the “pause” button on trying to get pregnant again. (The most recent being this post.) The questioning is always triggered by something — a pregnancy announcement, a pregnant belly, the birth of a new little one, or maybe even a comment.

So this is why I’m not trying to get/stay pregnant right now.

The surface reason is because I’m trying to lose weight. Back in January, I reached a point of pissed-off-ness with myself & my reflection & my clothes that don’t fit. I shrink from cameras, & hate pictures of myself. I don’t like feeling this way. And I finally got to the place where it bothered me enough to actually do something about it.

The under-the-surface reason is because I hate feeling out of control. I’m terrified of trying to get pregnant again. I have no control over my body, over whether I lose another baby, over anything to do with my fertility. But I DO have control over my weight. I make a decision whether or not to control my portion sizes, & whether or not to drink the frosty brews that are currently residing in our beer fridge. Sometimes I make the decision that’s best for my weight loss goals, & sometimes I don’t. But it’s MY DECISION.

I want a baby of my own. And more specifically, I want to be pregnant with a baby of my own. The actual “being pregnant” part doesn’t matter to some people… but to me, it really, really does. I still believe that this could happen for me. But honestly, I can’t SEE the time in my future when I’ll be ready again. The time may be in a few months. Or more than a few months. I don’t know… it’s just a blur of terror & anxiety when I squint at the calendar & try to imagine feeling ok with trying again.