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After a good night’s sleep & lots of pondering, I made an appt with a 3rd RE today. I’m not officially breaking up with Doctor-Man, but I feel compelled to check this other guy out.  His name seems to be popping up all over the place, and as a believer in signs, I don’t feel right about ignoring it.  And this new place was able to work us in next week, so Tuesday, Sept 8th is the (next) big day. I’m still going to get my blood work done this week according to Doctor-Man’s plan, though. I’m operating as if I’m staying with him… I figure he won’t know I cheated on him, right?

And the whole genetic testing thing… yeah. I managed to casually ask Daddy if Mama was tested for the BRCA gene. She wasn’t. Which means that a more intensive genetic testing would be necessary to determine if I’m a carrier. Which would be astronomically expensive.

Bottom line is this: I want to have a baby. I don’t want our having a baby to depend on my genetic “purity.” I went to Doctor-Man for his expertise in infertility, NOT genetics. And although I understand that genetics are crucially important in this baby-making process, I am not going to allow the BRCA gene to play a major role in how/when I get pregnant.

Breast cancer has taken enough from me… it’s not taking this too.

I don’t want to know if I’m a BRCA carrier. Call it denial, call me an ostrich sticking my head in the sand, but I don’t. I decided a year ago not to do the BRCA testing, and I’m still pretty dang sure that that was the right decision. While a negative result would be a relief, a positive result would be devastating. It would change everything — how I live, whether I would even want children (because who wants to intentionally reproduce another to-be-motherless kiddo?), wondering if every day is *the day* that I’ll be diagnosed. And the whole preventative mastectomy, ovarian removal, blahblahblah — I’m 31 yrs old and trying desperately to have a family, Doctor-Man. Please don’t introduce any more trauma into my life right now. K, thanks.

And before I leave this topic behind, I’m just not sure I’m comfortable with “genetic selection.” Basically, he would biopsy each embryo and only use the “desirable” ones — the ones without BRCA or cystic fibrosis or Down’s Syndrome. Kinda like a drive-through… yes, I would like a male honor roll student, brown hair, blue eyes, with a side of athletic ability. Hold the defects, please. I know that IVF involves selection… obviously you can’t use all embryos all the time. But selection based on embryonic development, or likelihood to survive, seems more natural than the mentality of “oh, throw that one back, it has the BRCA gene. It’s not worthy.”

We’ll see. I’m hoping that seeing this 3rd guy will help me know for sure whether Doctor-Man is the right RE for me.

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