That whole bit about how I’m doing much better with BabyLoss #3, and I’m just focusing on the future? Yeah, that’s a load of horseshit. The crash happened Sunday. We successfully moved Sue into her dorm on Friday, navigated a hairy little car breakdown situation (which could potentially be a funny story when I’m feeling more human), and went to a lovely 3rd birthday party on Saturday.
Then Sunday. Got up and went to church. All is well. Went to lunch. Still ok. Got home and sat down, and a wave of sheer sadness just swept me out to sea. My brain was scrambling to produce as many negative thoughts as humanly possible — it was actually tripping over itself with eagerness to remind me how incredibly messed up things are.
We’re never going to have a healthy pregnancy. Sue’s gone now, so it’s just you & Bobby — get used to it, because this is what it’s going to be for the rest of your barren life. It’s never going to feel better because Mama’s gone, and even if you DO manage to somehow rummage up a kid, it’s going to have a grandmotherless life with a depressive mother. The people at church only like you because they don’t really KNOW you — if they knew how jumbled up you are, they would run and they DEFINITELY wouldn’t ask you to help with children’s ministry. You’re never going to feel completely happy at that church anyway, because you know that they’re Unbelievers and they don’t know The Truth. All the growing & processing in the world isn’t going to change anything — Mama’s still gone. There’s no end to any of this. Blahblahblahblah.
Down the ick spiral again. I swear, I’m so effing SICK of this. I’m trying to get fixed, I promise I am. I had my first acupuncture appt yesterday, which went well — I have another appt on Thursday. I met with Preacher Man this morning, and all I could say, amid the hiccuping sobs, was “I promise I wasn’t always like this.” I applied for a job as a substitute in a daycare… hopefully, that will work out. Bobby and I had a huge fight yesterday about how he’s sick of me being sick. I’m with ya, buddy, believe me.
It’s hard to explain how it feels to be in this place. The words “sadness” and “overwhelmed” don’t really cut it — it’s just a drowning flood of complete and utter helplessness. My acupuncturist says that my Qi (or Chi) is out of balance, and that Western medicine treats the symptoms with medication without dealing with the root problem. She has a valid point. However, in the meantime, I need a quick fix. I want to not feel like I’m drowning. I need something stronger than what I’m on… 100mg’s of zoloft just ain’t cutting it.
Does anybody have any spare anti-psychotics lying around? Or maybe a hammer would do in a pinch.