Please pardon me while I spaz. It’s not pretty, but it’s either this or lie wide-awake next to a snoring Bobby for another hour, and that, I just can’t take.
After last night’s conversation, I was awake until 6am. That’s just plain ridiculous, especially for a girl who can sleep through most anything. I’ve found that of the Big Three — grieving the loss of my mother, infertility, & TheChurch — that the little religious buggers are the most incompatible with sleep. Must learn the simple art of compartmentalizing. I feel shaken to the core, and I haven’t quite figured out how to just let it go and resume the tasks of normal living. Perhaps a (large) glass of red wine and a refill of sleep meds are in order?
I’m really hoping that a year from now, I’ll be able to look back and say “wow, Sarah, you were an exhausting pain in the ass, but you finally plowed through all that crap. Got that outta the way.” Now wouldn’t that be nice.
There’s just no RESOLUTION to any of this. There’s no fix, and it’s overwhelming and frustrating and just plain aggravating as hell.
Major Issue #1: I feel lost without Mama. I know I sound like a broken record, but I just miss her so damn much. Every day. I continue to actually forget, then remember that she’s gone at least twice a day. Today I realized that I accidentally programed Daddy as Speed-dial #4 on my phone, and that’s Mama’s number. It’s been empty since I deleted her cell number from my phone book because I couldn’t stand seeing it anymore. Should I just leave him as the new occupant of #4? Should I move him? I mean, is #4 just going to stay empty forever?
Resolution? Absolutely no. thing.
Major Issue #2: Infertility. Well, I keep thinking that a nice, calm pregnancy would be just peachy, but my damn innards won’t cooperate. There’s something funky going on this cycle, and I pretty much have no idea what day I’m even on. I’ll spare you the details.
Resolution? Keep my RE appt on Aug 31st and hope for a quick fix. Ha.
Major Issue #3: TheChurch demons. I keep them at bay most of the time, but when they get riled up, it’s completely and utterly draining. I knew this would happen before I even met with the childhood people… I KNEW that it would scrape up and open and expose all sorts of ugly and disturbing crap. I very seriously considered canceling because it’s just so much easier to stay on the surface. When I’m on the surface, Sue and I watch lots of Net.flix movies, and I keep the house relatively clean, and come up with all sorts of culinary adventures for dinner. I might even make a quilt or knit a baby blanket or play solitaire. It’s nice and easy and doesn’t involve tears, insomnia, or gnashing of teeth. But when I mentioned to Sue that I was thinking about canceling, she asked me an excellent question: “Do you think you’ve put TheChurch to rest temporarily or permanently? Because if it’s just temporarily, you need to go.” And so I went.
Resolution? I have no freakin’ clue. I want closure, but I have no idea how to get it.
So there we have it. No solutions, only problems. I hate not feeling like I have any control. I loathe and despise it.
During our talk last night, one of the girls said something so, so smart. She said that “fear is the opposite of faith.” The opposite, meaning you can’t have both… it’s an either/or situation. Overwhelmedness (yes, spellcheck, I know it’s not a word but I’m leaving it) is based on fear. Fear of the future stretching out before me without my mother/guide/touchstone. Fear of a childless world where fighting the sadness and disappointment of infertility is part of my daily life forever. Fear of never being able to quiet TheChurch’s voice in my head.
But faith… ahhh, yes, such a nice, simple little word. Trusting that it’s all going to work out, even though I can’t see the end right now. Trusting that I’ll find peace without Mama, even though I’ll never stop missing her. Trusting that our baby will come when the time is right, even though that’s a hard pill to swallow right now. Trusting that I’ll one day be able to think about TheChurch with no emotion, instead of the rush of anger/guilt/betrayal/frustration/sadness that now collapses on me like a brick wall.
Sometimes I wonder if meditation or some such thing would be beneficial. Learning how to tune out and tune in sounds lovely right about now.