After mulling it over, I think I’m gonna stick around in my current location for now, at least. Sorry for the false alarm, and making all you nice people leave comments (although I do appreciate all ya’ll saying hi!).
I know some of you may be wondering what all the drama is about. In a nutshell, last week, I read something that I wasn’t meant to read. You know that old saying, “Eavesdroppers never hear anything good about themselves”? Well, heed my words, people… what you hear/read may just knock you flat. My immediate reaction was to deactivate this blog, and disappear into the shadowy world of the Blogger Protection Program never to be heard from again.
Once the initial sting dulled a bit, however, I acknowledged a very obvious truth. A blog, especially a non-anonymous one such as this, makes you vulnerable. For every blog-friend you make, there’s gonna be someone on the other end of the spectrum. And I’m sure that many of you can identify when I say that “in-real-life” readers seem much more likely to judge harshly, and I have quite a few IRL readers (both the judgy & nonjudgy kind). By having this online journal, I’m opening myself up and exposing my ugly, pasty-pale underbelly. And like most underbellies, it is indeed quite unattractive.
Sometimes I’m hateful. Sometimes I’m angry. Sometimes I’m bitter. But I’m not all those things all the time. If I was, I would have offed myself by now. Ya’ll, I’m kidding (mostly).
It’s no secret that I’ve struggled with depression (I know, I said the D-word) since my mom’s death. The two pregnancy losses exacerbated the grief that was already present. And I also know that I can wallow for only so long. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, this learning how to live without my mother. I’m not very good at it. I’m far behind my sisters in learning to deal. I’m ok for a while, then I slide backwards again. My perch in the good, positive places is precarious at best, and I’m toppled by the slightest breeze.
But — and that’s a big “but” — I AM getting better. I know that eventually, I’ll be able to hang onto the positive places for longer and longer until I hardly slide at all.
And then my writing will be sugary-sweet and nothing but gushy niceness.
Yep, that’ll happen right after my lobotomy. :)