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Dreamed I was with my family — sisters, father, even a cousin or two — and yet I was so alone in my overwhelming sadness, loss, and despair. Got up & wept in the shower, crying for the hopelessness I’m beginning to feel, another 2ww failed, and the sheer heartbreak of wanting a baby so badly. Sometimes I’m able to hang onto that tactical part of myself, planning for the next step with little emotion. But the tactician was stripped from me this morning, as I cried for the overwhelming sadness of feeling broken as a woman & wife.

Broken.  Reduced to fragments.  Torn.  Not functioning properly.  Sarah.

My thoughts kept straying to my pregnant sister. They find out the gender this week. But I tried mightily not to let my sadness for myself bleed into bitterness toward her. I have to separate the two — it’s not her fault that I’m broken, it’s not her fault that things are so fucking easy for her. Yes, I wish that she seemed more joyous, more thrilled with her lot in life, more appreciative of what’s fallen so easily into her lap. But all that doesn’t matter. She’s not connected to my fertility at all. At all. I’m using anger as a crutch. I have to guard myself against giving into the “why me’s”… there’s simply nothing good that can come of jealousy. I hate that word, I hate that it applies to me, I hate that I’ve given in.

It’s Day 24, but there are no telltale symptoms, no pregnancy-related feeling whatsoever. I’m continuing progesterone until Day 28, but I have very little hope for this cycle. I’m wondering what’s next. The plan was to try for three cycles with progesterone — there was an assumption that I would be able to GET pregnant, just not STAY pregnant without the prog supps. But I don’t know if I want to do another cycle as is. I feel reactive, like I’m just sitting and waiting for things to happen, instead of proactively working toward our future. I’m not sure I liked the RE that we saw before, but I’m also not sure that one meeting is sufficient to judge. So perhaps it’s time to make an appt.

I’m just so fucking sick of this.

Gotta shake it off. Today’s a good day. It’s the 4th of July, for gods sake. We’re having a cookout this evening to celebrate the 4th and our dear friend David’s birthday.  So I’m off… to clean the house, to make hamburger patties, to frost a birthday cake. To put all this crap away for a while and just enjoy the company of friends, and the beautiful SC weather, and the wonderfulness of living in the US of A.

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