“I feel frustrated and angry and left behind and just generally like my life is standing still while everyone else is spinning in happy little circles around me.”
A bloggy friend, Melba, wrote this yesterday, and wow…. I can’t even say how much I identify with these words. Literally, I can’t say — something has happened that’s not my news to tell. But this news, so happy for those involved, has left me feeling exactly as Melba said — frustrated, angry, and left behind. And very, very alone. Oh, and let’s not forget to throw in “guilty” for good measure, because I’ve allowed my personal issues to cause hurt to people I love. And even while I’m spewing venom, I’m thinking “Stop, Sarah, stop!” But I didn’t stop… I just kept spewing and spewing. Ugh.
I apologized for my ugliness, but I still feel awkward. I told Bobby that I feel like the ball inside a pinball game — bouncing aimlessly & wildly, not moving of my own accord, but rather in reaction to obstacles I collide with.
I’ve been questioning myself/everything for the last 2 days since learning “the news.” Am I doing the right things? Am I subconsciously sabotaging myself? I think that I’m making too many decisions, or refusing to make decisions in some cases, based on fear. Fear of moving beyond this point, because even though I’m not particularly fond of my current position, at least it’s familiar. Fear of leaving Mama in the past, because as I continue to change and grow, I’m growing AWAY from her. Fear of a 3rd miscarriage that will seal my fate as an “infertile.” Fear for our financial future.
I long for a sense of well-being, the comfort of knowing that things happen when & how they’re supposed to happen, and everything’s under control and is going to work out just fine in the end. Sounds too simple… what would I do without analysis, then over-analysis, then over-over-analysis? I’d have to get a hobby or a job or something, and that would never do. [insert snort here]