Been a weird couple of days… I keep starting posts, and not finishing them. Looked in my queue, and I have 5 unfinished posts sitting there. Kind of indicative of my brain – keeps starting and stopping in spurts, intersected by reading a long-ass book (“Prince of Tides”) and puttering about this weekend.
Our meeting with Dr Jerry last Wednesday wiped me out. We talked about Bobby’s speech about our “disconnection” and why I feel a bit like a failure, and the things that I’m worried about (I took the list from the “Seasonal Depression” post to my session). And sometimes after mucking around in the murk and fog of my thoughts, I just feel tired and weighted down and done.
Friday morning, I met a friend to take her baby girl to have Christmas pics made. After the photo appt, we ended up having Mexican for lunch, and I snotted & dripped tears for probably two hours into my cheese dip. She just listened… said she felt at a loss about what to say, what the “right” responses are, and I told her that there are no right responses. Being listened to helps immensely. I’m just picking through the same thoughts over and over – analyze, ponder the pieces, regroup. Analyze, ponder the pieces, regroup. Agh. I exhaust myself, so I can imagine how those around me feel.
Now for some banal facts. Friday night, Jennifer, Tom, Maggie, Bobby & I went to Tigerama at Clemson… twas great fun. Maggie sat through 2 hours of skits, videos, performances without making a peep – couldn’t believe how easy she was. Then Sat morning, Bobby had to get some video of the Clemson homecoming festivities, so I dropped him off and headed to Starbucks to have coffee and read more of my really long-ass book. I really haven’t taken this long to read a book in forever – there’s no overt reason that I’m being so slow – it’s just lack of focus. I find my brain wandering… it’s annoying. The library’s sending me hate mail, though, so I’ve gotta get through it. After Bobby got everything he needed in Clemson, we headed to Wild Wings to watch the game and have lunch. Ended up staying for 4 or so hours… we talked incessantly during the entire game. About our session with Dr Jerry. About his company. About our worries and our finances and our plans. It was series of conversations that was long overdue.
Tomorrow, Bobby is scheduled to head to Beaufort, a little coastal town about 5 hrs from here, for work. And he invited me to go with him. And I said yes. I think it’ll be a good thing to get out of town, out of this house, just out. He has to work during the day, but I’m going to just read, take pictures, chill out for a while. We leave tomorrow morning, return Wednesday. I’m hoping that a change of scenery will help shake the funk…
Oh, here’s an exciting (and shocking) tidbit though… Bobby and I went back to WeightWatchers after skipping two weeks (didn’t really want to, but we’ve already paid for this month and it’s stupid to not take advantage of it), and we had both lost a bit more weight! He’s now down 12.5 lbs, and I’m down 11.2 lbs. So YAY! I did talk to the leader though, about how I want the focus to be on our HEALTH, not our WEIGHT. The concept of weight and clothing sizes is such an easy measure to fall back on, but when things get rough, those concepts fly out the window. Take these past two weeks for example: I feel crappy. Sad, stressed, worried, frustrated, unfocused, irritable, lethargic, completely out of sorts. And when I’m fighting the apathy, counting points seems… well, pointless. Like a little conversation in my head between Sarah The Rational and Sarah The Psycho.
Sarah The Rational: How many points is that ice cream worth?
Sarah The Psycho: Your mom’s dead, why does it matter?
Sarah The Rational: What about this gigantic glass of wine? Huh? Huh? That’s AT LEAST two servings.
Sarah The Psycho: Shut the hell up, bitch, and pour me another glass.
You see? You see what we’re dealing with here? Dr Jerry said my Zoloft may not be working… wonder why he thinks that?
Ok, both Sarah The Rational and Sarah The Psycho are going to watch “60 Minutes.” Yay Barack! I think he’s cute. Is it weird that I think he’s cute?