Yep, that’s what’s happening… a pity-party of epic proportions. Yesterday, I laid on the couch and pretty much refused to get up. I read a smut book, slept, ate left-over cupcakes, and cried. I wallowed. It was completely ridiculous.
And honestly, I gotta say that I don’t feel that much better today. I need to get up and take a shower. I need to at least go outside, if only for a few minutes. I’ve made this neat, doable little list, and I need to get started. Yet, here I sit.
Melba’s words are so true – how taking it one minute at a time is sometimes the most you can handle. During the weeks following Mama’s death, I remember giving myself small goals – getting out of bed, putting on makeup, not zoning out during a meeting. And to be completely honest, I don’t think I’ll reach that level of devastation this time or ever again. This really, really sucks… but not as much as losing Mama.
Yet, knowing that it could be worse – that it actually WAS worse – doesn’t really make getting off the couch more appealing. I look at our finances, and I know that it’s my responsibility to get up, take a shower, exchange my maternity clothes, and find a job. But I just don’t care that much. Maybe I will tomorrow, but today, I just don’t. Screw jobs, showers, and unneeded maternity clothes.
What I really want to do is drink a lot of beer. I haven’t had a beer in 9 weeks. Getting sloshed isn’t on my list. But then again, neither is wallowing in misery on the couch.
In a book I (sort of) read a few months ago, – “A New Earth” – the author talks about the “pain body.” It was one of those really dense, self-important, self-help books that I’m prone to pick up during times of duress. I’m probably over-simplifying, but basically, the premise is this: our “pain-body” is compiled of our negative emotions. And this pain-body rules our lives if we allow it – it tells us how to feel, allows us to be happy, and causes depression, anxiety, and all things bad.
So when the pain-body strikes, you just acknowledge it as a separate entity from yourself. By acknowledging it, you separate yourself from it, which weakens it and makes it pass more quickly/easily. Dr Jerry and Eckhart Tolle say that feelings aren’t wrong. ACTIONS can be wrong, but feelings can’t. You just give yourself permission to feel them, let them pass through you, and then keep going when you’re able. So according to this theory, I need to just continue wallowing until the bad feelings have passed.
Ok, so from now on, when I’m acting like a pathetic slug or an evil bitch, I need to just say “My pain-body has been activated. This is not Sarah… this her pain-body speaking.” What a lovely, original excuse for acting like an ass.
Well, alrighty then. I think I may have just manipulated several schools of thought to support my pity-party. So my pain-body and I will reside on the couch until further notice.
And for those of you who think I’ve finally lost it with all this “my pain-body has been activated” talk, I’m KIDDING. Sort of.
And for those kind people who said that they thought I was “strong,” please feel free to withdraw your statement. I really appreciate your words, but unfortunately, I’m not strong at all. Crazy, maybe. But not strong.