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Maggie’s party was much easier once I just put my mind in neutral. I mean, really, could we PLEASE have a few more blonde, beautiful children running about?! There were a few dizzy spells, but no cramping, no nausea. One of Jennifer’s friends was pregnant to the point of exploding, and Amy, Tom’s sister, just found out she’s pregnant with their second. Babies, babies, everywhere… funny how I didn’t really notice until I was smacked in the face with my own baby-less-ness.

There was one awkward moment when my Aunt Jeanie kept questioning about the “surgery” until I finally just told her that I had had a second miscarriage. I have no idea if she’ll share it with the rest of the VA folk… it’s not that I mind them knowing that much. It’s just that I have a picture in my head of them talking about it, about me, about how something’s wrong with me, and it makes me sad and uncomfortable. But whatever…. it’s not that big a deal. And then there was the melt-down in the bathroom after the THIRD person rubbed my stomach. Argh. I know that they didn’t know… they thought I was 9 weeks pregnant, not 1 week miscarried. But all was ok after a good bawl in the bathroom.

So now here we are. I’m a little at a loss. What now? I feel ok physically, so there’s no reason that I shouldn’t get off my butt and be productive. Aunt Jeanie is the best house guest ever, in that she cleans the snot out of everything… so with the exception of a few stray items here and there, it doesn’t even really look like I had company this weekend. And yet here I sit.

I know it should be old news by now, but it really is still sinking in… no baby. Only me, us, what we have now. And that needs to be enough. Can’t focus everything on the lack of baby, the lack of pregnancy. But it’s to hard to un-think, un-feel, un-want something that was the focus of every thought for weeks.

Blah. I’ve gotta snap out of it. I made a list before the D&C, a list of attainable goals that are about us moving on and being happy with all the lovely things that we have. I think I can, I think I can. Just one little day – and goal – at a time. I don’t know if I’ll actually accomplish any of these today… but reading them has to be a step in the right direction, right? :)

A List of Things to Do (in no particular order).

  1. Ride bike or take a walk at least 3 times a week.
  2. Join WeightWatchers with Bobby.
  3. Exchange maternity clothes for new “work” clothes.
  4. Find a non-stressful part-time job.
  5. Break down all baby items & put them in the attic.
  6. Clean out the office & redecorate it as a guest bedroom.
  7. Plan & plant memory garden in the back corner of the yard.
  8. Paint our bedroom & bathroom.
  9. Learn to sew – starting with pillows and pajama pants, and progressing to curtains and lavish bedding for my and Bobby’s bed.
  10. Mulch & replant flower beds. Seed yard.
  11. Sit on the front porch regularly.
  12. Implement a household schedule – grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning, errands, etc. on certain days of the week.
  13. Make (and keep) a hair appt with Lisa the Hair Extraordinaire.
  14. Take pictures and list items on Craig’s List or Ebay.
  15. Price and plan for several home improvements:
    • Gas logs for living room fireplace
    • Replace carpet in master bedroom
    • Have dining room chairs refinished in time for Thanksgiving dinner
    • Built-in bookcase in office/guest bedroom