I feel quite touched by the kind and thoughtful comments that have been left for me…. thank you all so much for sharing your stories, your thoughts, and prayers. I truly appreciate it.
Today was very emotional. I slept horribly – tossing and turning until almost 3, then back up at 7. We checked in at 8 and was very impressed by the efficiency of the hospital staff… there was no waiting, no confusion, only immediate responses and smiles. When the nurse came in to take my vital signs, I told her that I thought there was chance that I had already miscarried. I described my symptoms from Thursday, and she agreed that another ultrasound should probably be done before proceeding with the D&C. Not long afterward, Dr Hearn came rushing in from a c-section, all proud of himself for delivering yet another healthy baby. I just sat there numbly in my backless hospital gown and tried not to feel anything. The ultrasound showed that there was still tissue present, although not as much as yesterday. Dr Hearn gave me the choice once again of doing a D&C or not – I chose D&C. Although I was frightened – the words “surgery,” “operating room,” anesthesia” just scare me – I knew that I didn’t want to spend another day or two or three waiting for it to be over when I could just resolve it once and for all.
So an IV, couple of pills, and a hair net later, off I went. Can I just say that I really wish that they had put me to sleep BEFORE I arrived at the operating room. I’ve never had surgery before, and the huge lights and masked, robed people bustling around were just unpleasant. But my favorite part was when they actually strapped me to the table – one strap over each arm, and one over my middle. Blah. Truly felt like a bad X-Files episode, except with all kinds of real emotions and fears and sadness thrown in.
I know this sounds weird, but when they put the mask over my face, right before I went under, the anesthesiologist told me to think of something happy. And I thought of Mama. And for those few seconds before I went to sleep, Mama was there with me. Like almost physically, really there.
When I woke up in recovery, I felt fine physically… but emotionally, I was a wreck. I tried to hold it in until the little nurse told me “honey, it’s ok to cry.” And so I did. Tears rolled down onto my pillow until there were damp spots on either side of my head… Realizing that it was really over. Indescribably sad, the kind of sad that can’t be controlled – it just bubbles up until it takes over, if only for a few minutes.
After a while, they wheeled me back to the room, where Daddy and Jennifer were there to drive me home. Within just a couple of minutes, after more blood pressure and pulse-taking, I was free to go… had dry toast for lunch and headed for bed. I can honestly say that the D&C was the best decision for me. Psychologically, I know it’s over. Physically, the cramping is almost completely gone – the difference between this evening and yesterday has been significant. My one regret is that I couldn’t have had it sooner.
So here we are. I supervised this evening for a few minutes as Bobby and Sue put most of the baby stuff in the attic – just the crib and changing table are still downstairs. And they helped clean the house for tomorrow, since all three of our grandparents will be in town for Maggie’s birthday party. I’m taking a pill and doing everything I can to help tomorrow – there are 60-something people coming to this birthday bash, and I want to help Jennifer in any way that I can, especially since I haven’t helped at all up until this point. I’m not going to let myself go down that road of self-pity…. because lord knows that it would be super-easy to feel sorry for myself tomorrow amidst all the pregnant moms and babies who are going to be running rampant. But this is Maggie… this is not just any birthday party. And it’s about her, and I’m not even going down that path because that would just be a crappy thing to do. I made it through her entire birthday dinner Wednesday and only cried once in the bathroom…. I’m pretty sure that I’ll make it tomorrow as well.
Thank you again for your thoughtful words and voice mails and text messages… I really, truly am grateful for the support and friendship and love and kindness from you all. This week has been wretched, no doubt about it… but you guys have been great, and I thank you.