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Before I write about the happenings during the last 24 hours, I really, REALLY want to stress that I AM NOT EXCITED. I am not allowing myself to be excited. I am asking my family not to be excited, and they’re complying with the exception of Tom, whose uncontrollable optimism is…. well, uncontrollable.

Yesterday, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Now I’ve read gobs of websites and research that tells me that the hcg hormone can be present in your body for up to 8 weeks after a miscarriage. My blood work on Sat, Jun 28th during the miscarriage showed an hcg level of 5… although this is the lowest possible “positive,” I knew it was possible that I had maintained a hcg-5 for four weeks, and it was somehow still registering on my home pregnancy test.

I called Dr Hearn and left a long, rambling voice mail on his cell phone about how I wasn’t getting excited, but that I would like to know whether this was a new pregnancy or left-overs from last month. He, being the fabulous doctor that he is, called in an order for blood work within 10 minutes. How’s that for an immediate response? He ordered blood work for yesterday, and then again in 48 hrs to track the movement of the hcg level.

Dr Hearn called this morning and told me that we have “an opportunity for success.” Yes, I am pregnant. My hcg level was 24 as of yesterday. But he’s being very careful to respect my need for detachment…. I really don’t know if I can handle getting so excited and then crushed by another miscarriage, and I think he knows that.

So ok. The plan. I’m going back tomorrow for more blood work. If the hcg level has stayed the same or decreased, we’re looking at another miscarriage. If the hcg has increased, we’re scheduling an ultrasound immediately to see if things are progressing as they should. There’s nothing we can do to stop a miscarriage, but at least I can be prepared emotionally this time. Assuming that things behave, the heartbeat should be detectable within the next 2-3 weeks.

Craziness. Pure-T-Craziness. I’m really trying to control my brain, but it’s so hard not to let my thoughts wander down the path of “what if…” Ok. I’m going to go do something that will force me to think about something else. Ok.

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