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so bothered today. Don’t know why. Head hurts, and feel a little nauseas. I want coffee but that would require getting up to make it. Sue is hung-over… apparently she felt that the bottle of wine should be empty last night. i hate money. it stresses me out – every time I think of something that maybe we could do, i remember once again that it costs money. money that we don’t have. i don’t want to go back to work. i don’t want to. i feel like a slug, just sitting and marinating in my own disgusting slime.

there’s a little phrase that keeps rolling around in my head: “Life is fleeting.” Fleeting. Passing swiftly. Vanishing, transient. One minute it’s there, the next just a piece of the past. Mama’s life didn’t pass swiftly from one perspective – 50 years in a long time compared to 5 years or 5 days or 5 minutes. But one minute she was breathing, and the next she wasn’t. And her life passed swiftly. And Baby Rettew. A tiny life was formed – cells began multiplying, organs and bones began forming, a tiny heart and tiny brain tried so hard to develop. But those things just stopped. Stopped multiplying, forming, developing. And then, in a fleeting instant, the tiny would-be baby just became a waste product, something to be flushed out.

it’s so hard to care about things like painting the kitchen. or cleaning the house. or getting off the couch. so hard to do anything when you know that it’s fleeting. if life, the most important, significant factor of all, is so expendable and passing, how, HOW, can anything else matter?