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I’m exhausted. I’ve been sobbing for hours… just can’t believe that this is happening. We want this so, so much. Part of me wishes that we hadn’t told anyone, that we had been able to control our excitement at least until the first prenatalappt at 8 weeks. But I know that it would have been impossible for Bobby and I to NOT tell. Two years off birth control, and never even a hint of pregnancy. And then, on Mama and Daddy’s 32nd wedding anniversary, it happens. Just too, too excited not to shout it to the world.

But if this ends badly, I don’t know what happens then. I wonder if I did something to cause this. Maybe it was those beers I drank a few days before we found out. Or maybe it was because I carried a heavy box up the stairs on Thursday. Or even something crazy, like eating the wrong thing, or sitting my laptop on my stomach. I know it’s irrational, and everything I’ve read tells me that I’ve done nothing to cause a miscarriage if that’s what this is. But it feels like my fault.

And what’s wrong with my maternal instinct? I didn’t know I was pregnant – here I am with a clearly visible baby belly, and I’m weighing myself and wondering why the hell I have a tummy for the first time in my life. Shouldn’t I have been able to sense that I was pregnant? And what about now?…. I have no idea whether my baby is still alive or not. I have a horrible feeling that he’s not – but is that my “instinct,” which has proven thoroughly unreliable, or is it just me trying to prepare myself for the worst? I don’t want to get my hopes up. I just wish that I knew now.

This just doesn’t feel real. Why? Why get 5 positive pregnancy tests, and then lose it 4 days later? I read that miscarriage is the body’s way of naturally aborting an abnormal or unhealthy embryo. So I tell myself that this is the case – that if I am miscarrying, that it’s for the best and there’s a reason.

But that’s bullshit. Why are humans so simplistic? We need to attach a reason, to rationalize and figure out WHY. But sometimes – most of the time, actually – there is no reason for the shitty things that happen. Like Mama getting breast cancer and dying. Or ChadBibb flipping his four-wheeler NOT while riding it, but while putting in on a trailer, and dying. Or the girl in Bowman that Merrill told me about – she was 24-yrs-old and died suddenly this past Monday; her wedding was supposed to be today.

And little Baby R. There was a baby. Is there a baby now? If not, there’s NO REASON. No reason good enough to give Bobby and me a baby and then take it away. No reason to take my mama and now my baby. I would say that I hate God if I thought he even cared.