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There are times when I wonder if there are certain people in your life that you were just meant to know. Now, I’ve been questioning and denying so much of the God crap lately… But I truly believe that sometimes everything in the world lines up and you meet someone amazing, someone you aren’t kin too, but someone who none-the-less will play a part of utmost importance in your life.

I know you guys don’t like Sam. And that’s okay.I don’t really expect you to ever like him, because you don’t have to. But there’s something inside me that tells me there’s something different. I’m not saying this in a “romantic” sense, our relationship does not equal any kind of romance on any level. I’m saying, so many things had to happen for us to even meet. First, he had to decide to leave Washington DC, to leave his friends and family and come to a random school that he had never heard of.He then happened to live two doors down from A (one of my best guy friends from high school) who just happened to be rooming with Nick, who just happened to be dating Anna at the time. Then A just happened to walk down the hall on the way to go to his car and randomly sees Sam, a guy he’s never even talked to and says, “Hey Sam, I’m A, my roommate’s surprise birthday is tonight, want to come?” And Sam randomly says, “Sure.”Then comes to my part.I wasn’t even going to go to that party, but JB calls me and says, “Hey, my roommate and I are going to a party at Anna’s house, want to come?” And I, at the last minute said, “Sure.”I get to the party and notice the kid with the shaggy hair in the corner sitting alone, and for some reason (and a move that is completely out of character for me) I walked over, sat down, and said “Hi, I’m Susanna.” And he said “I’m Sam…you have really big hair.”And from, as they say, it’s all history…

Freshman year was the year from hell.One moment we were almost dating, the next we were screaming at each other, then ignoring each other, then hooking up, then screaming at each other, then ignoring each other…and the cycle continued. Then summer finally came I there were a few things that were a little more important to me than him and we didn’t speak, even when he came back to Clemson for summer school I didn’t even make an effort. Until the fateful night that I went to the one and only party all summer and he happened to be there and I treated him with utmost coldness, and freaking out is an understatement in describing his behavior. I met with him the next day and told him that I would not take that bullshit and then continued to ignore him for the most part. Then towards the start of school we started speaking again and we were friends, like, truly this time. No hooking up, nothing like that.

Then Mama died.And I remember everything and nothing of the kickoff of the rest of my life that would be an ever going hell…

I went back to school the Sunday after Mama’s funeral and that was the beginning of the end.I proceeded to mostly skip class (sometimes going to my afternoon classes, but then just drawing random circles on my paper, not really taking notes). The days I didn’t go to class I would stay tucked away in my loft bed and when Anna asked if I’d gotten up that day I’d immediately lie and say “Yes”. I kept forgetting to eat, and then I’d order pizza so I wouldn’t have to go to the dining room. At night I did one of three things, drank a lot alcohol, smoked cloves in the court yard, or hung out with Sam, Eric, and Larry, sometimes until 4 am, at which I point I just stayed on the couch. Then I would wake up, and go back to my dorm, and get back in my bed.Keep in mind, lot’s of ativan, and I was starting mix other stuff with that.

Then the really bad streak came.It started on a Thursday when my friend Keith came to my dormroom and we pre-gamed a little, before going to a party at Nick’s house. At which point I got very, very, very intoxicated.Friday night I did the same thing, except add weed to the alcohol…oh don’t forget – Pills! By now I had discovered that if I crushed and snorted them they took effect a lot quicker, and made me very mellow. Saturday night I went to the Sigma Chi frat house with A, Brittany, and Kathryn…sneaking an ativan because Brittany was really upset that I was popping pills and drinking.

Sunday night – the meltdown.I woke up and Brittany, Kathryn and I went to Waffle House. Brittany went home. Kathryn went home.I went back to my dorm, which was empty.Danielle and Kaci wouldn’t be back until that night, and Anna was at a Frisbee tournament in North Carolina and wouldn’t be back until late either. So I spent the entire day in my room alone.I don’t know why I didn’t get in the car and go to one of your apartments, I really don’t. Instead I just sat in my room and waited for nothing. Then Anna came back and I forced myself to appear slightly okay and have a normal conversation. She then left to go to one of the five billion social activities she takes part in.Upon her leaving I reached into my stash in the back of the drawer and proceeded to take an ativan and snort half a hydrocodone and the contents of my anxiety capsule from middle school. These were much more convenient to snort than the hydrocodone because you could just break open the capsule and put it right into your nostril, unlike the hydrocodone which required chopping and then snorting off the desk.

Between the time I stood up from my desk and managed to drag myself into my loft I must have realized I had done something bad.The person I contacted was Sam and apparently the text message was misspelled and said “I think I did something wrong.” The next thing I remember was waking up to see Sam sitting over me patting my face looking quite panicked.I distinctly remember him crying and telling me my hair looked pretty. After a few minutes he asked me where the pills where and I didn’t tell him. So he crawled out of my loft and I listened as he went through my drawers, purse, book bag, wherever a pill bottle might hide. He then crawled back up in the loft and tried to get me to tell him what I’d taken. I remember my lips, arms and legs, being numb and my chest hurting, but I managed to tell him what I’d taken and started freaking out when he pulled out his phone. I thought he was calling an ambulance.Instead he called his junkie friend in Wyoming who seems to know a lot about medication. In the aftermath of things that didn’t seem like the right thing to do, but can you imagine if an ambulance had taken me to the hospital? That would have been great… He stayed with me until I fell asleep I guess, because I woke up to see Kaci sitting at the end of my bed. She came and lay beside me and asked me if I wanted some water and cheez-its.Which I did.

I don’t have the energy to write anything else plus this has gotten to long. Maybe random parts of my life where you guys were absent will keep coming out at random times…Actually I’ll probably keep writing this in a word document and keep copying and pasting into the blog when I don’t have anything else to write. I will label it “Susanna’s Confessions: Part …whatever.”