Jennifer’s post made me cry… not much makes me cry these days (“Martian Child” left me completely unmoved, 3 West-Oak students being killed didn’t even bring a tear), but realizing that Mama’s been gone 59, well now 60 days, makes me feel like vomiting. How could our sweet little Mama be gone? How did this happen? But I love her. I need her. I want her. She’s my mama. She’s the center, the core, the guts of our family unit. How can she really be gone? Yesterday I called T-ville and the “we’re on the internet” voice mail picked up. It was Mama’s voice. I called it three more times, just to hear her voice. I’ve decided that I don’t mind the phrase “I’m sorry for your loss” like I used to. Because “loss” is actually a pretty good description of what we have here… A loss of a beautiful, passionate, loving, glowing, truly meaningful life. A loss of our childhood and innocence and optimism and hope. A loss of happiness and contentment and comfort. So many things were lost on Monday, September 17th.
Please don’t be alarmed because I’m not selfish enough to actually take action. But sometimes, I really, truly wish that I were dead. Now is one of those times.