Today’s Monday. Another week. I just keep telling myself that it’s only one more week until we go to CA. And after that, it’s only 4 more weeks – only 20 more days here until another week off. But it’s difficult to care. It’s hard to keep my head up, and try not to feel utterly overwhelmed and nauseated by the thought of that many more days here. And it’s not even this job necessarily – it’s just being here. I hate it. I hate the fact that Justin’s leaving, and who the hell knows what Ron’s going to replace him with. I hate that I’ve been here a year, and I have zero interest in applying for Justin’s job. I hate that there’s no end in sight. I hate that I’m bored and don’t have to even try to stay off the radar. Blah, blah, blah.
I just don’t know what needs to happen. I don’t know if I need to stay here, and keep plugging away… I know that when considering finances only, that’s the best thing, unless I can find another job paying more. And finding another job – am I ready to do that again? I should probably at least start the process… I’m giving myself enough time to update my resume and be picky. When I think about not living next to Maggie and Jennifer anymore, I feel horribly sad… I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help with Oscar and still make things easy for Bobby and myself. And Daddy needs to be factored too… what does he need? How important is us moving to Townville to him? A little? Not at all? An immense amount? I don’t know. I need to have that conversation with him. I guess part of me just wants to get through the holidays – just keep my head down and try to make it to January 1, 2008. The holiday misery will be behind us, Sue will (hopefully) be home, and maybe it’ll be time to try to start again. At least somewhat fresh. Whatever that means.
I just don’t know.
This is what I’m thinking. Should we move out of the apt or not? If so, should we move to Townville or not? Should I start looking for another job or not? If so, should I consider manufacturing jobs or try to broaden my horizons and get out of this godforsaken industry?
And now that Justin’s leaving, I’m worried about how it’s going to change the landscape of our dept, both professionally and personally. My coworkers are what make this place livable. Justin’s absence is going to change the feel of the dept, not to mention that there’s really no telling what kind of replacement that Ron’s going to come up with.
I don’t know. There’s the whole concept of the serenity prayer:
Accept the things I cannot change
Change the things I can
Wisdom to know the difference
Yeah, me? Not so much. I’ve never just done something because I wanted to when it comes to a job – I’ve always been the dependable, steadfast employee that always shows up, rarely calls in sick and feels like a slacker when they do, and sets a higher standard for myself than any boss ever thought about setting.
But I’m tired of it. Mama’s gone. And trite saying or not, life is just too damn short to waste another entire year chugging away. The fact that Bobby and I will have zero debt except for our student loans is a huge freaking deal, and I’m not going to let myself lose sight of that fact, when every morning it’s a mental struggle to convince myself to put my feet on the floor. It’s not necessary, it’s not a fixed factor, it’s not something that I have to do. Why keep doing it? There’s really no point.
I wanted to quit right after Mama died… but I didn’t. People kept telling me, and I kept telling myself, that my job was part of my healing process, and that it would actually become a comfort to me rather than just another burden. As of this coming Saturday, Nov 17th, two months will have passed. And this job doesn’t comfort me, and it’s no less of a burden. And I have a sneaking suspicion that when another month has passed and Dec 17th rolls around, things will be pretty much the same way they are right now.