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The more I’m here in California the more I find myself in these weird blips in time where I cannot remember anything. It’s almost as though I’ve woken up from this coma. And in that blip of time (that is literally two or three seconds…that feel like a lifetime) I want to call Mama. And then I get hit with this suffocating realization that what is happening to me is real. I usually spend the next five minutes concentrating on breathing because I feel like my body is about to shut down…

This seems so mediocre, but I had one of those moments today and I immediately got my bike out of the yard and rode until I felt like I was going to puke. I then tried to blend into the rocks on the beach for about an hour and let my legs recover before struggling back to the house. Seriously, I was sitting on the rocks and put my iPod on (for the first time since I’ve come to California…) and listened to this song by Kronos Quartet (a string quartet) and I had this weird out of body experience where the earth seemed perfect and every note I heard had a movement on the earth that related with it. I thought about this for a while after the song was over… I want everything to be in sync. I want things to happen for a reason. I don’t want to believe what we’re living in is a huge pile of random occurrences… But there’s nothing that’s proved it otherwise. I believed there was a God, and I watched my mother pray to him for a healing. And then she died. I don’t want to believe in a God that would let that happen. And for the sake of looking at the big picture, I don’t want to believe in a God who would let millions of people be slaughtered (Holocaust, or – more modern – Darfur). I don’t want to believe in a force who allows people he/she/it supposedly “Loves” to suffer. To me, loving someone means trying your hardest to help them be safe, healthy, and to not be harmed on any physical or emotional level. Now, some would come back and say “He gave his only son” blah blah. Well he took my mother. So I don’t really give a fuck. Period.

So I guess the whole point of this post is that I am spiritually frustrated. And to me, it’s nice being in a place (like California) where there aren’t five billion churches and five billion times seven Bible beaters who have a damn religious explanation for everything. It’s nice to be somewhere where people may not understand my frustration, but they at least RESPECT it.

…Now, I should put here, that I know my family has never judged me for these thoughts (they in fact, mostly share them) and also, I don’t give a fuck what other people outside my family think about me (maybe they’ll burn in the Hell they believe in, because judging is a sin right?). But still, regardless of me not caring what other people think, it’s still nice to be in place where the energy of the land and of the people seems to encourage questions and delving deeper into something besides a factless theory that people use to justify actions and explain things that truly have no meaning…

On that note. I am going to bed. After two glasses of wine and this extreme blog-vomit I am rather exhausted.


P.s. If you didn’t look at my link I posted (*cough* Jennifer) I will find out. Because I want feedback…