Just talked to Sue on the phone… I really miss her. I feel so out of sorts – just floating through each day, trying not to screw anything up or hit the radar.
I have fallen off the DR wagon. In the last month, I’ve hired Jennifer as the cleaning lady, I’ve joined WeightWatchers at $40 a month, I’ve gotten my hair highlighted and my nails done, which are both high-maintenance, expensive habits, and Bobby and I have been swiping our debit card like there’s no tomorrow. This weekend, he bought three pairs of shoes for a total of $160, sunglasses for $200, and I actually watched and ORDERED a weight-loss DVD off an infomercial. Ridiculous… I don’t know what’s going on with me.
I secretly have mixed feelings about the house in Townville, but I’m afraid to show the doubt to Bobby because I don’t think he likes it. Will I like living in Townville? Will it be comforting or painful? Will the Weeks accept $125000? Will I be sad or relieved if they say no? Or maybe a little of both? Is that house a horrible investment, a money pit that will suck us dry? Or a wonderful homestead for our future family? Sometimes I wish that I could ask God for guidance, but I know that he doesn’t really care, and I don’t want to be ignored. So I’m just hoping for the best.
When will Bobby and I have kids? Or will we have kids? I’ve always thought I wanted kids, but now it just doesn’t really appeal to me that much. I don’t know why… maybe because I have Maggie, and she’s the best of both worlds – I can treat her like my own and give her back when it’s bedtime. Or maybe it’s because I’m afraid that I’ll leave my children like Mama left me. Or maybe it’s because it’s just too much work to get pregnant and I’m just too lazy. I just don’t know.
Part of me would be relieved if the Weeks say no. Bobby and I can stay in the apt and keep stashing money in the bank (assuming there’s any left after the random and frivolous purchasing habits that we’ve recently acquired). We can keep living next to Maggie, who is the light of my days. But what about Oscar? I’m really worried about Oscar… I have to make him a priority, but I don’t want to move to Townville and be by myself when I come home from work. Poor little guy – he’s so very, very sad. And I’m sad too – not sure that we’d be very good for each other.
We went to Marlena and Tim’s for dinner Friday night – it was the first time I’ve seen them since the funeral. It just wasn’t good… Earles Grove Baptist came crashing out of nowhere (at least that’s what it felt like), and I had flashbacks to the funeral, followed by uncontrollable heaving sobs. Finally got it under control, and then the entire dinner was just awkward…
I’m not loving Bobby these days. He’s sweet, he’s nice, he loves me immensely… but he’s just getting on my nerves. It’s not fair, and I can’t figure out how to get past it. Sometimes I wonder how we ended up together – how he became my mate. We seem so mismatched sometimes – not always, but the last few weeks would be a prime example.