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My mind is quite jumbled right now so I doubt this post will be as organized as my last post. Apologies for the large gaps between posts and also a BIG BIG BIG apology for not posting pictures. There has been an issue with my computer being able to hook up with the internet, therefore, my pictures can’t be sent. BUT, I am taking pictures and am accumulating a rather large album of random things that I think you guys would like to see, and also, things that amuse me. For example, there was a very nice sink beside someone’s driveway in Carmel and it said “Free”. Very, very amusing. I thought to myself, Wow, people do that here too…though I must say a nice sink is a step up from a moth-eaten couch.

Hmmm… Things I have done so far, this will be easier if I make a bulleted list:

– visited the road where Charles Manson grew up (Now I understand why he was such a wierd-ass)
– attended a Hippie/Jewish wedding (If I went into details here it would take half an hour for me to type everything, but let me just say I am obsessed with middle-Eastern food. I’m serious, it is FANTASTIC! It’s so clean and natural, and I ate it until I was stuffed, and whereas if I was stuffed on a steak I would feel like dying, I was stuffed on organic rice, hummus, pita bread, etc. which made me feel content…which is always better than dying… Wow that was a run-on sentence!)
– Had a mental breakdown on the beach and thought about walking into the Pacific Ocean (I have decided against sharing the dark, scary entry I wrote in my book…because it would off-set the progress which I hope has been made and is being expressed through this blog? But if you guys really want to read it I’ll wait until I’m in a terrible awful mood and post it then, mmk?)

Actually, I’m just going to talk about my mental breakdown right now. I am really enjoying my stay in California. But today, it just hit me that I am so out of place. I had this terrible feeling that I was either a complete inconvenience to everyone, or invisible. While on the beach I was invisible. I’m looking around and I see all of these people and they’re surrounded by these relationships, whether its family, a friend, their pet… or even if they were alone – because that meant they were still returning to something, a relationship. And here I was, this girl in a gray jacket sitting on the rocks, sipping chai tea… and I meant nothing to them. Not that I expected to, but just the fact that even when I left the beach I would be returning to a house with people in it that were, in fact, strangers. Now, I know Aunt Gin loves me, but this experience is still different because the only interaction we’ve ever had is long distance, and suddenly, I’m answering her house phone because Uncle Charlie is watching football and she says “Why hello!” Because she’s on her way home from work. It’s just so odd…

Actually I think my breakdown was good for me because it made me realize a lot of things. The first thing was that I need to schedule my first therapy appointment on Monday (hopefully helping deal with the thoughts of, “Hmm, let’s drown myself dramatically in the Pacific Ocean”). The second is to buy a bike (Therefore I won’t feel so dependent on Aunt Gin to drive me, and also, I won’t feel so isolated. I will be able to go further distances). And the third, try to take advantage of this opportunity. Now that just sounds like bullshit I know, but seriously there are so many things out here that have already been presented to me. For example, I will probably volunteer at the theater again (yea, the cute usher named Matt who everyone is gossiping about when he came to talk to me has NOTHING to do with that… Ha.), Aunt Gin’s friend Marsha (Hippie) runs an art studio for kids ages 15-22 and has invited me to come check it out (She has a daughter who I’m pretty sure I’d like to be friends with, she’s probably about 18? Maybe?), and also, there is the cute shop “GBG: Girl Boy Girl” with $400 sweaters that was really fabulous and is hiring. So, I guess in a sense I am forming my place here. And that brings me to another thing that happened…

I was talking on the phone with Sam today (about Bike stuff, he’s actually been calling and emailing Carmel bike shops to find me a Beach Cruiser! YESSSS! sooo excited, Google “Beach Cruiser”, it’s really quite amusing) and I was talking about how I feel like I have no purpose. He immediately says, “Susanna, you know what I’m going to say to that, there is no purpose, there’s just living for yourself and others and finding a way to make the world a better place.” I freaked out and said, I quote, “No, you’re wrong.” In a sense I agree with him, yes I believe this life is about living for yourself, and for others, and keeping a balance with everything to ensure a betterment of the world around you (and for yourself)…but isn’t that by definition “Purpose.”

Hmmm… Actually, hold that thought. I’m going to take a leaf from my darling sister’s books and look it up…

Wow, there are a lot of them. Okay here we go…

pur.pose (n.) 1. the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc. 2. An intended or desired result, end, aim, goal. 3. Determination, resoluteness. 4. The subject in hand, the point at issue. (etc.) (v.) 1. to set as an aim, intention, or goal for oneself. 2. To intend, design. 3. to resolve (to do something).

All right, after reading this definition, I think that we were both right, I guess it’s just what you call it. To me, it is purpose. It is finding a reason for which something exists or is done. Why do I exist? I feel like I have lost the answer to this question. Maybe that’s why I’m here? Maybe me coming to a place with no previous judgements on my part or on the part of others will allow me to finally find the center of all of this, to find a reason, a purpose…

P.s. Yes, I have been in Aunt Gin’s house for less than a week and I’m already talking about “centers” and “purposes.” Laugh it up.

P.s.s. I love you. Miss you. And can’t wait to see you. (But mostly, just Maggie… HA!)