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Jennifer had a really good thought at lunch that I wanted to document… and I don’t know if she’s planning to write it herself, so I’m going to:

Is it better to lose someone completely, or just lose a part of them?

For example, Mama was taken away from us completely, in every way – physically, emotionally, mentally. One day she was there, the next day she wasn’t. Jennifer and I have a fear that we’re going to lose Susanna as well – maybe not physically (because she’ll still be out there gallivanting about), but emotionally and mentally. Which is worse? I don’t know. I hope I don’t have to find out.

Sue, we’re not trying to guilt-trip you into anything. We’re not trying to make you not go, or not have fun, or not.. whatever. But I want to be really clear when I say this next sentence. When I said that now is the time for us all to be selfish, and to take care of ourselves, I meant emotionally/mentally/spiritually. I didn’t mean that’s it’s ok to go “Lindsay Lohan” on us. I know you’re probably really, really offended by this post – but you know me well enough (I hope) to know that I wouldn’t say this if I didn’t feel that there was justification. When you’re finding yourself in the next few months, please make sure that let us in on it. Please make sure that you don’t lose the part of yourself that you already had. When you discover that it’s much less painful to be in a place where Mama never was, please remember that part of “remembering” is feeling the pain. Please remember that we want what’s best for you, but we need you too… and we all have to take care of each other, not just us taking care of you.

And this one’s really important, so please, please pay attention: Please don’t go any longer than 1 day without calling Daddy. Please don’t make Jennifer and me call you and tell you to call him.

Ok, that’s all. I know I’m not your mother. I’m not anybody’s mother. But Mama is still with us because she’s within us. The three of us have an obligation to acknowledge Mama’s voice, whether it’s coming out of our sister’s mouth, or in our own head.

I’m going to miss you horribly. Truly I am.

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