I’m so, so, so ready to get out of this office today… I just wrote the date and it’s Oct 17th. One month since Mama died. One month since the whole world went to hell. My brain is starting to actually detach the words from the meaning. I’m to the point where I can say “my mother died” almost as casually as “it’s warm out here” or “I’d like a Jumbo Jack with cheese.” As long as I don’t let myself actually think or feel the words, they’re just words. Audible sounds that come out of my mouth that mean something to my audience, but not to me. Of course, the temperature and a Jumbo Jack don’t have a permanent, shattering effect on my entire existence, so I don’t guess the words are quite the same. Just the way I say them.
Last night, I was sitting in bed, and I cried – not big heaving sobs, but the slow drip of someone who’s just resigned. I wanted to talk to Mama. I wanted to call her and tell her that my financing for the perfect little house in Townville is not working out the way I planned (does anything EVER work out the way I planned?), and Bobby’s mama called me and acted like she was my mother and made me mad because I have a mother and I don’t her to mother me, and I’ve got to lose weight because I’ve reached the point of just plain fat. Nothing huge, nothing life-changing or earth-shattering… just every day, casual conversation, the kind that I used to have with her 3 times a day (or more when things were actually exciting). And I felt an overwhelming sad/empty/painful-ness that I couldn’t call her, that I couldn’t hear her voice… somehow, projecting my thoughts into an empty room and hoping she hears me doesn’t have quite the same comfort value that a phone conversation did. This just sucks. It sucks so bad that the word “sucks” doesn’t even come close to expressing what this does. I hate this. I hate cancer. I hate God. I hate Mama’s empty room. I hate that #4 on my cell phone doesn’t represent an instant connection with Mama anymore (or at least her voice mail). I hate my life without Mama in it. All the houses and projects and highlights and earrings in the world aren’t going to make this feel better.