Once again it’s night, and I’m alone… So, instead of wallowing in my pure-“emoness” in my loft I decided to blog. And once again, I find myself feeling very introspective and all that jazz.
I am in an odd place. Here I am on a college campus, getting ready to LEAVE the campus and while one part of me is screaming to get out of here and watch it burn as I leave the runway, the other part of me is clinging to every painted cinderblock in my dorm, every cockroach that likes to scuttle by me when I pass Tillman (they’re in the middle of an extermination project right now, at least I think that’s what all of that construction is), and every slightly-off worker in Harcombe.
Yes, I am in an odd place. And I’m also thinking about fifty billion different things at once. So I’m now moving to my next tangent. I went back to my middle school/early-high school roots of emo rock and was listening to Taking Back Sunday (Which I’m sure neither of my darling sisters have heard of… and it’s okay, I won’t judge ;) ) and I came across a song entitled – “You’re So Last Summer” and my ears perked at some lyrics that really describes the old Susanna and blips of the new Susanna when I for on split second forget that I can’t call Mama on the phone and am reduced to the stomach sinking (understatement) realization that this is all real, that I’m not going to wake up… Anyway, the lyrics that describe the old Susanna:
“I’ll do what I got to, the truth
is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt…”
Yes, that was me. People pleaser, putting other peoples fucked up needs before mine (I think one name rings a bell in all of our heads), but at the same time running over others (and I’m sure another name is being thought of…thanks guys, but whatever, we weren’t meant to be. Seriously.)
And now this is me. This is my confession (Read carefully… though I think you only need to read it once…):
I DO NOT CARE ABOUT ANYONE ANYMORE.
(Minus of course, “core members” of the family)
I’ve found the only time I pretend to care about other people’s problems is when I’m trying to pretend that I’m fine and my life is fine and my mind is fine and I’m just completely fucking fINE FINE FINE FINE fINE. God, that has to be the word of the year… -“Susanna how are you?” -“Fucking FINE, and yourself?”
…Dear god I love blogging… Yay, venting on the Internet…
I’m sorry, my five billion thoughts just went to zero, because there is a small orange blinking thing on my toolbar that says some idiot is talking to me on IM even though I have my AWAYYY message up, geez.
Peace. Love. And Bullshit …wait, I mean Happiness