Sue, as Jennifer always says, you said exactly what I’m thinking. Except you said it more beautifully and completely than I ever could have. You’re right, nights are different. At first, after Mama left, I tried to go to sleep as much as possible because when I’m asleep, I temporarily unaware of the shittiness of the world. Now, though, I try to stay awake. When I’m lying in bed, I turn on the tv, read, write, toss & turn, talk to myself and Bobby, and anything else that keeps me from going to sleep… and it’s because I’m avoiding the next day. The longer I stay awake, the longer it will take for tomorrow to arrive, when I have to get up again and go to work again, and act like I’m normal again. At night, I can be who I am – no mask, no falsity, no pretending. Just plain, sad, angry, motherless little Sarah
I really, really believe in that site we found last night – the mirror gazing. Susanna’s experience last Friday proves it in my mind, that mirrors are almost a “portal” for Mama to show herself, because it’s once removed. Tom’s just a skeptic, just like Bobby, just like Daddy. Who cares what they think. Last time I checked, their mothers were still alive.
And Sue, I’ve been thinking the same thing – that Mama is hanging out with you and Jennifer more than me. I actually told my therapist that yesterday – that it made me almost angry at her and at myself, that she thought I didn’t need her as much as ya’ll do. I put up a wall during the day to shut her out, I think, without even meaning to. It’s because I can’t be alone, or be myself, so I shut down the part of myself that feels in order to just function. That’s why I’ve been thinking about going to a psychic, or someone who could help me bridge the gap – because I’m afraid that Mama is actually trying to communicate with me and I’m making it impossible. So I’m going to try the mirror gazing thing… the next time that Bobby’s not home, and I feel very, very, incomprehensibly alone, I’m going to try to contact Mama. And I’m still wondering about what I said last night – I wonder if she’s more or less likely to contact us individually, or we’re together?
Sue, I don’t think that she’s disappointed in you – I think she’s worried about you. She loves you, just like she loves me, just like she loves Jennifer. All Mama ever wanted for the three of us was the best – she wants us to happy – physically, emotionally, spiritually – we are truly her greatest earthly accomplishments. Even when we screw up, which is inevitable, we are still her masterpiece. Nothing we could do will make her love us less.
I just miss her so much. I miss her hugs. I miss her voice. I miss her smell. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss her little linen teacher dresses. I miss her ant-mauled feet. I miss her more than I can say.