So I feel very melancholy, mellow – maybe even apathetic – today. I think it’s because I spewed so much emotion yesterday, that my brain has just gone into cruise control.
(The next few paragraphs are mainly addressed to Susanna, although it applies to Jennifer too):
I’m so sad that you’re leaving, Sue, but I know it’s for the best. I hit a section in my “Motherless Daughters” book last night (which, by the way, you really need to read at some point, even if you skip parts), that really struck home. The chapter basically addresses each age group – early childhood, adolescence, 20’s, and after. The 20’s applies to all three of us, even though we’re in such different stages of life. But Sue, I mainly thought of you. It talked about how when your mom dies when you’re in your late-teens/early 20’s, that it cheats you out of your chance to get to know her as an adult. We spend our teenage years conflicting, disagreeing, and declaring our independence from our mom. Then, in our early 20’s, (and this is stereotypically speaking, of course, but it really does apply to us) we realize that our mom is actually pretty cool – and that even though we still don’t agree with her on everything, we respect her immensely for the sacrifices that she’s made and the attributes that she has… We actually start to consider her a friend, and look for her good qualities in our other friends (in our case, that would be her sense of humor, her joy in the little things like house plans, flowers, or shopping at TJ Maxx, and most of all, her enduring, complete love for her children). But Sue, you were cheated out of that…. you’ll have to take my and Jennifer’s word for it that Mama was an amazing lady not only from the 20-year-old perspective, but also from the 25- and 30-year-old perspectives as well.
But to get back to my original thought… sorry for the digression.. is that because you now have a gaping hole where your main female role model used to be, you now will either consciously or subconsciously fill that space with another female. Not because you want to “replace” Mama, but because you actually NEED that space to be filled in order for you to fully develop as a female adult. And Aunt Gin is going to fill that role for you. And I honestly can’t think of anybody who’s better suited. She’s open, understanding, flexible, and able to think outside the box, and most importantly, she loves you as if you are her own biological daughter. I’m sad that you’re leaving, but I know that each of us – you, me, Jennifer, and Daddy – have our own, individual process. And I know that right now, Jennifer, Daddy and I aren’t emotionally equipped to handle your needs because we’re right there in the black hole with you…. So Aunt Gin’s going to fill the gap, and I am truly glad that we have her. I have a fear that things are going to be different – that you’ll be a different person when you come back, or that you won’t come back at all – but I know that you have to do what’s best for you, and that’s ultimately what I want.
So there you have it.
Ok, on to the next subject. I had my first appt with my therapist yesterday – his name is Gerald Welch, but I’m calling him Dr. Jerry – and I have to say that he’s perfect for me. He actually understands me, and challenges me with he disagrees, but he doesn’t do it in a condescending or disrespectful way (i.e. see O’Rourke’s behavior during every single stinkin’ conversation). During our 1.5 hr session, he made several good points, which I will summarize here because I want to be able to refer to this the next time I’m hopeless and full of despair (oh wait, that’s me all the time):
#1 – We (me, Jen, Sue, Daddy) don’t have any obligation to anyone except each other and ourselves. We don’t have to return phone calls, emails, or have conversations for the benefit of others – it’s ok for us to be completely selfish and self-centered right now as long as we don’t purposefully hurt the other people in our “core group” – Sarah, Jennifer, Susanna, & Daddy. And I guess we don’t need to hurt Tom and Bobby either, since we want to stay married.
#2 – I’m going to have to work through my father issues in order to completely “heal” (and I use this word cautiously, because it indicates a complete recovery, which I will never have – none of us will).
#3 – My favorite quote, and this is coming from a former pastor and staunch Christian: “If I thought about God the way you think about God, I’d be an atheist.” Well, now.
So in this melancholy, introspective place that I find myself this morning, I’ve delved into the exact meaning of atheism vs. agnosticism, as I have a feeling that these words may become a part of my vocabulary in the future. Not that I see myself necessarily becoming one or the other, but I do see myself really questioning and requiring validation of my belief system.
Atheism – the absence of belief in deities (you don’t believe that God exists)
Agnosticism – literally means “without knowledge;” either A) it’s not possible to have absolute certainty of the existence or nonexistence of God; or B) individual certainty is a possibility but you personally have no knowledge. (basically, God might exist, but you personally don’t have that conviction)
So a lot of people who claim to be atheists probably actually aren’t – they’re probably just angry with God, but ultimately, they still believe in his existence, because you can’t be angry with something that doesn’t exist. And people who are agnostic basically don’t care either way.. they just go about their lives and mind their own business.
I know this is rambling, but ya’ll probably aren’t even reading anymore, but this is more for me than for you two, I think.
Whew, anyway, I think I’ve worked myself into a philosophical hole, and I’m hungry, so I think that I’m done now.