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October 1, 2007
Can’t believe it’s October – it’s fall, my favorite season, Mama’s favorite season. This time of the year was her absolute favorite – Oct through Dec. I’m so scrambled in my thoughts – one minute everything’s “fine” (not really, but fine enough), and then the next second, it feels like the world is caving in and there’s no hope. There’s such a thick, empty blank during the next few months – if I just keep putting one foot ahead of the other, it’ll eventually be over. Jennifer came up with the idea of us leaving for Christmas – go to Bobby’s grandparents on Christmas Eve, visit Mama’s grave on Christmas morning, and then head out of town to a mountain cabin where we can seclude ourselves, and where we’ll probably never go again. Sound like as good an idea as any – nothing’s going to make it better, nothing’s going to fix it – so a cabin works for me, just like staying at home in Mama’s rice bed all day would work for me. I had a bad night Saturday – I was online looking for Townville history paraphernalia, and was struck by the thought that all the family genealogy that Mama did is now lost – she was so thoughtful and genuinely interested in Grandpa and Grandma’s family history – looking up our family coming over on Ellis Island, and buying currency from the coal camp that they grew up in off Ebay. And now that’s lost. And I started feeling my chest tighten like I was going to have a panic or anxiety attack. Took an Ativan, but it didn’t help. Next, I drank the rest of a bottle of wine – 2 glasses… it didn’t help, only made me dizzy as well as miserable. I hand-wrote two pages of a journal…. In all caps. Doesn’t even look like my handwriting. Finally, took two Advil PM, which knocked me out until the next morning. Bobby says I’ve been talking in my sleep a lot lately – about Mama and to Mama. The other night, he said that I thought he was Mama, and was talking to him just like I always talked to her…. but I don’t remember anything the next morning. I don’t know if I’m glad or sad that I don’t remember anything – maybe it would nice to have those moments of still thinking that Mama’s here, rather than only having the empty, black hole that’s currently residing inside me.

Last night on the way out of Townville, I asked Bobby to take me by the cemetery. Seeing that rectangular plot of disturbed earth makes me want to vomit – even now, thinking about it, I can actually feel a gag in the back of my throat. Mama’s grave is not a happy place for me. I’m almost overwhelmed with the urge to start clawing at the dirt with my hands, to find her. I can feel my brain freezing over, numbing itself, because maybe there’s only so much a brain can take before it snaps. I wish I had taken a picture of her body in the casket. I keep trying to remember what it looked like, and reassuring myself that it stills looks that way, but I can’t remember it as clearly as I would like…. I made my proposal last night that we dig her up and put her in a glass coffin like Snow White – Daddy looked horrified, but Jennifer’s all for it. We went down this whole path of how we would dig her up during the night with a shovel, and then tie the vault to our cars to pull it out. Ridiculous.

And then last night, Tom had drama. He baptized a mentally unbalanced man in the bathroom at the man’s repeated request, and NewSpring told him to leave and to take today off as well while they “seek guidance from God about whether or not to let him go.” What a pile of shit. What a bunch of self-righteous, glory-seeking, hypocritical assholes. So he finds out whether or not God has guided them to leave him, Jennifer, and Maggie without an income today…. Unbelievable.

Bobby and I had a moment of doubt this weekend about the new house. There’s an acre of beautiful land on Shirley Circle that Mark Bryant’s uncle is offering to us for $25k. Bobby said that we could buy that land and build a house that doesn’t need another $25k dumped into it for less than $150k. So I started looking at house plans and got so depressed – I know that buying the lot and building a house is probably the correct financial decision, but it’s not what I WANT – I want a piece of history, that Mama will haunt, and hang out with the ghosts that were already occupying it. I want the original pine floors and wavy, leaky windows, and original built-in bookcases dating back to 1910. I don’t WANT a new house.

We went over yesterday and took tons of pictures of the overall rooms, as well as problems that will have to be addressed. We measured all the walls, windows, appliances, etc…. hopefully everything that we’ll need to make preliminary decorating and remodeling decisions. A big decision that was made, that Bobby was really stressing about, is the staircase to the upper story. We were talking about trying to add it into where the access currently is, which would require knocking walls out, and taking space out of the living and dining rooms. But then he was looking at the pictures, and realized that the perfect solution might be access from the preachers study – the Weeks added a hall closet to store linens, so we could rip out that closet, install stairs, and then re-add the closet storage space under the stairs. I can completely see it…. it really is the perfect solution.

I just went to lunch with Sarah 1 and spewed for an entire hour. Good lord, it was like word vomit – I couldn’t stop it. But I think she was ok with it – I apologized for monopolizing the entire lunch, and she fussed at me, and said that she didn’t want to hear an apology. It was really nice of her – she truly cares about me, I think.

And our financial goals are in the toilet. I keep trying to focus on them in the hopes that it will make coming to work every day a little more tolerable. But so far, not so much. I know that I need to still make that a priority, and maybe when the Blue balance drops before $10k, I’ll feel a renewed excitement. But right now, everything just kinda feels pointless.

I told Sarah 1 that I feel like I’m on a grace period with Ron – he’s being really nice, but I feel like he’s going to zing me for my “checked-out-ness” at some point in the immediate future. I cringe every time he walks by, or my phone rings…. Just waiting for the axe to fall. Sarah said that actually, they’ve all been in a “grace period” for about 2 weeks. Ron’s been uncharacteristically quiet and nonaggressive lately. She said that what happened with Mama has been really sobering for the entire dept, which makes me feel good – like they really care.