September 11, 2007
Today is my one year anniversary… so hard to believe that I’ve been an employee here for one year, 365 days. I remember when I hated it – I don’t anymore. It’s just a job – it just is what it is – nothing more, nothing less. I could really succeed if I wanted to, but I don’t know really what I want – with this job, or anything else for that matter.
Last night, I got into it with Marcom. The conversation lasted about 45 minutes, which I won’t completely detail here – but I think the high point was when he said “not to sound condescending, but you don’t have a medical degree” and I replied “I know I don’t have medical degree, but it sure would be nice if someone with one would return my calls.” Yeah. Nice, huh? My feelings are vacillating all over the place – I go from feeling really, really ashamed and embarrassed that I made him mad and showed my butt to feeling really, really justified because he should have just called me back a week ago, damn it, it’s his job, to, finally, feeling really, really tired. I’ve been pulling it apart ever since – trying to figure out what I should have said, and how I could have fixed it, and why I pissed him off. But the bottom line – at least I think this is the bottom line – is this: he can’t fix Mama. No one can. I’ve been fixating on him because I need someone to hold on to, because I need an anchor to fix my hopes on – and I know (despite my lack of medical degree) that Mama is beyond repair. There’s no magic potion that will fix her, there’s no magic pill that will make it all better. So this is the thought that I had on the way to work… God said “Be still, and know that I am God.” Now, I’ve been a lot of things here lately – antagonistic, fixated, anal, pushy, exhausted, short-tempered, impatient, unforgiving, inflexible, angry – but I have not been “still.” I have been far, far from “still.” And here’s my thought: when Bobby and I have children, we’ll raise them to be independent thinkers, capable and motivated to analysis and make informed decisions. We won’t raise them to be sponges – just sitting and absorbing and accepting anything that comes along. And my feeling is that God raises us the same way – he gives us a “human” nature – one that thinks and questions and fights and wants to understand. If he had wanted an accepting, absorbing, limp little sponge, he would have made one – which he didn’t. But when the hard times hit, and things get crappy, he wants us to turn to him. He WANTS to be praised and honored and acknowledged as the creator, controller, and “fixer” of everything. If he wanted us to be unthinking sheep by nature, he would have made us that way. But he gave us a goat nature, because when we break down and finally act like sheep, it’s more of a surrender, more of an acknowledgement, more of an honor to him than it would be if surrendering were just our nature, and the path of least resistance.
O’Rourke tried to reign me in – he tried to make me understand that I’m not God and I can’t fix it – but he did it for the wrong reasons, because he thinks that HE is God and that he could fix it – and I didn’t respect him, and therefore didn’t really heed anything he had to say. But Marcom is different. I respect him – he’s the top of his field, and we’re not going to find a better doctor than him. And I think that maybe God used him last night as a hammer to knock me down, to knock me flat on my back, to finally get through my thick skull that I CAN’T FIX THIS. So maybe, finally, it’s time for me to be still and know that God is God. To know it and acknowledge it and accept it and just quit fighting to control and understand. I don’t understand why God choose our family for this. I don’t understand why Sept-02 doesn’t even vaguely resemble Sept-07. I don’t understand why my mother was given to me, and now she’s being taken away. I don’t understand how God could need her more than I need her, more than Jennifer and Susanna and Maggie need her. I don’t understand how this could be his perfect will, for me to deliver my child without my mother there, baking cookies and making them fat and happy like she always planned. I just don’t understand.
So starting today, September 11, 2007, I’m quitting. I’m being still. I know that after I catch my breath, I’m going to feel the urge to get up and fight again. But when that happens, I’m going to come back and read this and remember that right now, my job is to BE STILL. Not to fix, or call, or research, or understand, but just to be still and know that He is God.
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I hope, really, really hope, that it’s the hardest thing I ever have to do.
Before my anniversary lunch (which was very nice and made me feel very loved), I got a call from Phyllis at Hospice about making an appt for today. So then of course, I start trying to call Jennifer, Bobby, Tom, and Townville to make sure that everyone’s on the same page… sometimes I just feel overwhelmed. I can back in, and Julie and Sarah were watching me… and I just started crying. Not sobbing, but there were definite tears. I apologized – told them that Hospice was coming, and I just felt overwhelmed, and I didn’t know what to do, or when to do it, or pretty much anything. Julie teared up, and told me that time off shouldn’t be my worry right now… and I looked confused, and she told me that she went to HR and got 40 PTO hours transferred from her account to my account… she basically gave me a whole week off. Then I started really bawling. I’m just so thankful – what a completely selfless act, who ever thought that a year ago, I would have been able to form that kind of relationship. What a beautiful, beautiful thing to do – she is truly a wonderful person.