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September 12, 2007
Email to Marlena… she asked how I was doing and the truth came spewing out.
Hey – thanks for your email… I really appreciate. Honestly, I don’t know how I’m doing. This sucks – worse than anything has ever sucked, or hopefully ever will suck – and I feel like I’m in really horrible nightmare. I’m just doing… not doing well, or doing badly… but just doing. Getting through a day, going to bed, and then getting up and getting through another day. I’m filing for FMLA today, and I’m going to talk to my boss about going part-time or something… I’ve reached my limit. In 5 years, when I look back, I’m not going to say “wow, I really wish that I had worked more hours at S-D.”…. but there’s a really good chance that I’ll have huge regrets if I don’t spend more time with my mom right now. I can’t believe she’s dying. I can’t believe that she’s going to leave me. I can’t believe that she’s not going to answer the phone anymore when I call. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same after she dies. I don’t think that I could be.
As far as what you and Tim could do to help, I really don’t know. I have no words… Anything helps – food or visiting or taking her to a doctor appt, or coming to sit with her after my grandma leaves so the family could have a break. I can’t even comprehend how we’re going to do it after Grandma leaves – I’m taking her back to VA on Sept 21st, and after that weekend, we’re on our own. We have to be with Mama 24-7 – 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. She can’t be left by herself – she can barely get off the sofa by herself, much less fix herself lunch. She can’t keep up with her medicine – she can’t eat normal food – she can’t take a shower standing up. Between Daddy, Tom, Jennifer, Bobby, Sue, and I, we have to figure out how to basically live in Townville…. and we all have full-time commitments elsewhere, whether it’s Michelin, S-D, Maggie, or college.
I just feel really, really overwhelmed. I don’t know how this happened. Why God chose Mama. Why our family has been targeted for the most horrible thing that could ever happen to us. And this sounds really, really bad, but I’m on a roll, so I might as well just air it all out…. I don’t understand why, if God had to take one of my parents, why wouldn’t he take Daddy? Mama is the nurturer, the one who loves us unconditionally, the one who would be a grandparent-extraordinaire. I know I shouldn’t say that about Daddy, but honestly, I just don’t give a rat’s ass about being nice anymore. This is so, so, so unfair – I can even completely comprehend and wrap my brain around how unfair this is.
Please don’t feel like you have to respond to this email… there’s really nothing to say, and I don’t want you to have to try to find the words. I’ve been so upbeat, so positive, so “let’s pretend that God has a plan, and everything’s under control” – but really, I’m angry. I’m fucking infuriated.
We love ya’ll too.