September 5, 2007
Just a few minutes to write before I have to get ready for a meeting. I went to see the Maggie last night…. She’s so perfect it makes my heart ache. She really ate for the first time last night – Jennifer was so relieved because she was starting to get freaked out because she was sleeping so much, and showing no interest in eating. I went to Townville first – had dinner with Grandma and Mama, then went to the hospital. Had a long cry with Grandma about Mama… She’s angry with Daddy too, and it helped to talk to someone else about it. Although she doesn’t understand why this is happening to Mama, and makes no pretense of understanding, she maintains that God isn’t punishing Mama… that there has to be a reason because God knows what’s best for her and for all of us. She said something that I’ve really been thinking about – I was crying and saying that I don’t understand why Mama would get cancer instead of Daddy. She hugged me and cried with me and said that she had had the same thought – but God sometimes takes the most beautiful roses for his garden, and God isn’t done with Daddy yet – that he still will be “dealt with.” And for some reason, in some weird way that I don’t fully understand, that comforts me. It makes it seem a little fairer, for some reason – that God is taking Mama because he loves her and wants to be with her, and he’s leaving Daddy so that he can be dealt with. That sounds very ominous, but it makes me feel better because it allows me feel that maybe God is fair after all. But it still sucks for me and Jennifer and Susanna, and Maggie and the babies that Susanna and I might have one day. I told Grandma that something might change, and maybe I was just speaking out of anger, but as it stands now, if Mama dies, I’m cutting Daddy off. I just need to be away from him – I don’t feel like he’s bringing anything positive into my life right now, and after Mama’s gone, there will be no reason for me to see him except on holidays. That sounds so hard and callous, but it’s really how I feel right now. He told Grandma that he loves Maggie so much – that when he looks at her, he feels something that he never felt for any of his own children. She just looked at him and said, “Yeah, Marty, I know.” He’s just not normal – he doesn’t feel the emotions and feelings that normal people feel. I realized last night that Maggie will always be favored over my children – regardless of whether I have a boy or not, she’s Jennifer’s baby and therefore has a special place in his heart, just like Jennifer does. Things have never been equal in how Daddy treats me in comparison to Jennifer and Susanna…. Our children won’t be any different.
I was just telling Bobby that I know it’s irrational, but I really, really wish that Tom’s mom wasn’t coming down next week. She’s going to hog Maggie, and it’s just unfair. She’s perfectly healthy, she has another grandbaby that she can hang out with, she’ll be here to see Maggie turn 1 and 5 and 15. But every day that Mama has with Maggie is precious… she needs as much time as possible.
Bobby’s calling Brad now to tell him that we’re not going to be able to come to his wedding this weekend. Neither of us feel good about leaving this weekend – it’s just not a good time for us to be out of town. I hope Brad understands, but honestly, I don’t really care that much – if we had gone it would have been more to honor our past friendship than because it really matters now. Bobby and I aren’t that important to him anymore, I really don’t think that he’ll care much…