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Have a meeting in a few minutes, so just a few quick notes. Mama woke up during the night and had an epiphany – realized that she’s operating based on fear rather than faith, and she needs to “claim” her healing. She called me in good spirits this morning – said that Dr. O’Rourke actually did her a favor by eliminating himself as an option because she’s now opening herself to new possibilities and opportunities that he’s previously prevented her from considering. For example, Linda is getting her doctorate in holistic medicine, and wanted to develop a medicine regime for Mama several months ago… however, Dr. O’Rourke’s take on it was “don’t take vitamins, because you’re feeding the cancer.” So Mama now wants to work with Ms Linda to get on a routine that will repair and restore her body… she wants to move away from the toxic chemo for a while, and concentrate on getting her body back to good health. She also wants to put off going to Duke for a few weeks so that she can concentrate on the joy of Maggie being born. Bobby and Daddy are a little unsure about putting off the Duke trip, but I’m supporting it. I feel like this is the first time since this nightmare started last Dec that Mama has taken an active, positive role in her own treatment plan, and I feel like we should all support her and encourage her even if we don’t agree with it. Regardless of what we think, it’s ultimately her body and her decision. Like I told Dr O’Rourke, I would rather have Mama professing her healing with her very last breath, than have her give up in order to be “realistic.” So ok – I’m willing to try anything that Mama wants to try. Hey, according to Dr. O’Rourke, she only has about 6 more months anyway, so what do we have to lose? And if he’s right and we do only have 6 more months, I don’t want the family to spend them in fear, in a frantic race against time. So we’ll see where this takes us….

So I just found out that I’m going to Cleveland next week. I actually kinda volunteered for this one… Ron suggested to Tim that the rest of the team might want to tag along, and I raised my hand. It’s only Tuesday thru Thursday, and I think it’ll be fun. It’ll be good chance to get away from here for a few days, and plus, it indicates to Ron that I’m interested in growing myself – and I have a feeling that this might have been a test that he’s throwing out there to see if I’ll take the bait.

Ok, the Cleveland trip fell through – Ron nixed the idea of all of us going on such short notice because of ticket prices. The way he acts makes me wish that I had never even raised my hand to go… and here I was thinking that it was a “test.” Proves that I still don’t know how he thinks

So I just checked my voice mails, and there was one from Daddy saying that Mama talked to Jennifer, and now they want an appt with Duke next week again. Argh. So I called Duke and talked to the appt chick – my friend Jamie (who I’ve never actually spoken to, but her voice mail and I are becoming quite close) never passed the message along that Mama wasn’t going to make it yesterday, so we basically stood Duke up. Nice. I apologized profusely, then asked if she could reschedule us for next week. She said Sept 4th. I told her that we really would rather have an appt for next week. She said Sept 4th. This went on for a while until she explained that an appt next week was absolutely not an option because Marcom’s going to be out of town, and completely unavailable. So I said “what about the week after?” and she said Sept 4th. After some further discussion of the week after, I caved in on the Sept 4th date finally. Didn’t really push the week after as hard as I could have because I just have a little feeling that Maggie might come then. But she’s actually due on Sept 3rd, so there’s a chance that Sept 4th isn’t going to work, even after all that finangling and pissing off of Marcom’s people. So then I asked if we could have a CT and PET scan at Duke when we came up, and she gradly passed me off to Marcom’s nurse. Who, of course, didn’t answer. I left a long, involved message about how we really, really need a CT and PET on Sept 4th for our 4:20 appt, and could they please call me back. So we’ll see how successful that little message is – based on my track record with these people so far, probably not very.

When I called Daddy to let him know that I had done my duty, he was pretty ok with the whole thing. But then he started talking about how Mama’s whole spill this morning was (translation) her saying that she doesn’t want to do chemo anymore. At all. Ever. I told Daddy that I didn’t read it that way at all, but he said that that’s how Jennifer interpreted it as well, which of course explained the renewed urgency about moving the Duke appt back up. I don’t know – I didn’t get that feeling at all when I talked to her this morning. Maybe it’s because I was so glad to hear her sounding positive and uplifted that I just heard what I wanted to hear. And Daddy told me in his most dour voice that “Mama’s been in bed A LOT.” I asked “today?” and he said “today, yesterday, the day before that.” I know that he says that stuff because he’s worried and that’s how he communicates his concern, but it so stresses me out. It just cranks that little voice up in the back of my head that says “maybe this really is the end. Maybe a hospital bed’s not such a bad idea. Maybe you’re going to owe O’Rourke an apology for chewing his ear off because he’s really right after all.” I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.