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Ok, I officially don’t like the temp…..

I was willing to overlook her eye shadow choices…. I was even willing to consider the style merits of multiple bead bracelets around the ankle (not really, but whatever). But I am absolutely, completely, 100% against smoking while pregnant. I can’t get past the mental picture of the smoke curling into the little bitty lungs, and the poor little thing coughing and wheezing and trying to breathe through his or her mother’s cloud of selfishness and total disregard. It makes me angry, pisses me off… and this girl’s second child had birth defects. Her little girl’s fingers and toes were malformed – they’re just clumps of skin on the ends of her feet and hands. And Julie tells me all about this last night and I was totally sympathetic – Julie was telling me how Katie doesn’t tell many people because she doesn’t like to see the judgmental and questioning looks – people who are wondering what she did to make her baby’s fingers and toes not develop. And I was ok – I was completely devoid of blame and judging – because obviously sometimes things just happen for no reason. But today I saw her smoking and the entire judgmental feeling swept over me and I knew without a doubt that somehow, she contributed to the permanent disfiguring of her baby. And she doesn’t even care because now she’s doing it again… her nasty little habit is of greater importance to her than her baby’s health. God, it makes me angry.

And speaking of babies, Jennifer was admitted to the hospital last night with kidney stones. She passed one last night and another this morning – Tom named them Kirby the Kidney Stone. She was in good spirits this morning – her back’s been killing her for weeks, so maybe this will take care of the pain issue.

My lunch with Paul was so nice. He told me all about the current state of affairs at Jake, and I told him about the name-calling incident with Ron. I shared my DR conversion with him, and he was so proud…. He made a comment to the effect of Bobby “deciding to be a cowboy or an astronaut” and it was so true, I had to laugh… wow, for someone who only met Bobby a few times, he really, really has him pegged. It was so nice to see him – he truly is a wonderful mentor, and someone that I need to keep in my life, if only has a reference possibility.

And I’m feeling very, very angry every time Katie goes out to smoke. I finally told Sarah 1, and she agreed. It was a very dispassionate, unemotional, rational sort of agreement, but she agreed. She did call my anger “disproportionate” though – and maybe it is. But it is what it is, and I’m not going to talk myself out of it. Every time that girl walks past me with her pack of cigarettes, I see her baby squirming, trying to get away from the smoke, getting smaller & smaller, with only little under-developed nubs for its fingers and toes. It’s child abuse.

My head’s been pounding all afternoon… I’ve been snacking and drinking caffeine but it just struck me that it’s because of the Lexapro thing… I’m completely off now. Haven’t taken it in 4-5 days, and I have a hangover. I need to start my Zoloft, but Bobby’s mom said to not to straight to 50mg’s… she wants me to start with 25mg’s, but she needed to give me some sample packs, and I still have don’t them. I’m thinking about cutting the 50mg’s in half for a few days, then going up after a week or so. I probably need to do it this weekend, which is going to just finish me off hormonally – between going back on a different happy pill , and starting a crazy pill simultaneously, I’m going to be a walking-talking-probably crying disaster.