I’ve been very, very busy today – I’m just ready for today to be over because I actually have an evening to myself tonight. It was supposed to be Marlena and Tim, but they’re in Pigeon Forge for their anniversary, so Bobby and I have the night off. I’m going to pick up our taxes from Scarborough after work before 6, pick up my – I mean Jennifer’s – happy pills from CVS, and drop off my obscenely overdue movies at Blockbuster, before going home and doing the budget for the next two weeks because tomorrow’s payday.
So I’ve been trying to get Mama’s 50th birthday party stuff together – changed the reservation from May 5th to Apr 29th, and sent out a “save the date” email to all the family, etc. I don’t know how many people are actually going to come, but I want to make sure that they know about it early enough that they can plan for it if necessary.
Mama is feeling so good this week – she didn’t have a treatment because of low white blood counts, so she’s been living it up for the last few days. I feel so much better when she’s feeling better – it really, really takes a toll when I feel like her death is looming.
And I was telling Bobby this morning – this weekend, she’s going to be in VA… I’m sad because I can’t go, but I’m also kinda excited about having a weekend of non-worry. Someone else is going to be making sure that she’s ok this weekend – I can just go through the whole weekend, and get my crap done, and not even worry about her for a while. I feel horrible even typing that…
Daddy’s all stressed out because he feels (with good reason) that’s he’s going into enemy territory. Uncle Rocky doesn’t even speak to him anymore, which is really pathetic on Uncle Rocky’s part… but whatever. But he’s also worried that Mama’s going to get caught up in the fundamental, “you’re healed right this second” stuff, and then it’s going to be a huge psychological crash when she gets home. I think it’s a legitimate point, and I think we might have a basket case on our hands next week, but I think that would have been the case anyway – she’s all “up” this week because of no chemo, but it’s temporary… she has another chemo treatment scheduled for next Tuesday, and then she’s going to straight down the tubes again.
She gets all defensive when she talks about Twala – I don’t know if we’re going to be able to continue to incorporate Twala in this process – because Twala tells her that she needs a balance. That for every “up” thought, there has be a balancing “reality” thought, that for every “I’m healed”, there has to be a “God’s will be done.” But Mama keeps saying “Twala thinks I’m going to die, Twala wants me to believe that I’m going to die.” She really doesn’t want to understand what Twala means…. we can try and try, but we can’t fix it, we can’t change Mama or how her brain works, we can’t make everything perfect and painless.
So I guess we’re going to just keep doing the only thing possible – just try our best and try to make whatever we get work. And this is completely insurmountable goal, but also going forward, I need to just accept that my control really is limited and therefore quit feeling so damn RESPONSIBLE for everything.