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I just got out of Ron’s office. Bottom line – crap’s falling through the cracks, the stocking program is being scrutinized and is found to be lacking, and I’ve gotta get my ass in gear. And I nod my head and try to focus through the little voice chanting “your mama’s going to die, your mama’s getting chemo’ed right now, your wedding business is falling apart, you have two disgruntled clients out of 10 and that sucks, you owe lots of return phone calls to people, this sucks, this sucks, this sucks.” And I feel like puking. Just going to the bathroom and puking until my brains come out and I can’t think anymore. Then maybe the voice will shut the hell up.

Maybe if I just cried. Just put my head on the desk and bawl my eyes out. I’m not going to appeal to Ron’s sympathy because this isn’t a short-term problem. This is my life. Taking one afternoon off isn’t going to fix it. Taking a week off isn’t going to fix it. This is long-term issue that I’m having. I’m no longer capable of being the employee that I once was – I’m not the same person who worked at Jacobsen. I just don’t care about here because there’s not enough of me left to care – I’m using all my care on my personal life now.

But I can’t quit. I have to do what it takes. I have to suck it up and make it happen. It seems like “suck it up” has become my new mantra – it just seems appropriate on every level these days. I also need to start eating better – I think that dropping 10 pounds would really make a difference overall, and I think that some of my focus problem just this morning is lack of food – I’m not eating breakfast, I’m drinking too much coffee, I skipped my happy pill this morning, I’m eating all bad carbs for every meal, I’m not sleeping enough. There are things that I have control over that are contributing to my life issues. I don’t have control over the cancer, or the chemo, or the constant disruptions, or the cloud of misery that’s permanently affixed over my little section of the world. But I do have control over my eating and sleeping patterns, and it’s up to me to fix them. So ok.

Just went to lunch with Sarah 1, Julie, and the new/old Janet. Julie and Sarah 1 mentioned that we all seem to have thick skin – I agreed that mine has gotten a lot thicker during the last 6 months. They laughed, but I was left with the thought (which I didn’t say aloud) that instead of thick skin, maybe I just care less. Things don’t touch me like they once did. This morning, I coldly told the bride from last Sept who’s still having problems with her DVD that according to the terms of her signed contract, we were under no obligation to do anything for her. And that we were continuing to resolve her issue because we care about customer satisfaction, and could discontinue the resolution process at any point in time. I completely shut her down. She has a legitimate complaint – her wedding was last Sept, 7 MONTHS AGO for God’s sake, and she still doesn’t have a wedding video. That’s pathetic. But I was a total heartless bitch on the phone with her. Because I just don’t care. I don’t care that she’s unhappy, I don’t care that she’s never going to recommend us to anyone ever. I don’t care that I was bitchy last night on the phone to that stupid girl that’s stood me up twice now – TWICE. We just don’t need money that badly. We’ve got enough shittiness right now, too much to raise my hand and volunteer to be a dumping ground for a bunch of snotty brides. I don’t have time for it.

And I really, really, really need to get to work on the job that I’m actually getting paid to do, but just wanted to note: Bobby had lunch with TJ last week, and apparently TJ chattered nonstop about his kids. So Bobby tells me that he’s really to start a family – again – and it completely left me cold. No reaction whatsoever – I just didn’t feel compelled to even care. But maybe that would be good right now – even if it doesn’t happen, just tracking the days and trying – it would maybe help our relationship, which has felt more than a little strained lately, and is kind of along the same lines as dropping the 10 pounds… self-awareness, and the resulting self-improvement… trying to fix the things that are actually fixable since so much right now isn’t.