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Blink…. The weekend’s gone. It’s absolutely ridiculous how quickly it passed…

Bobby and I went to Corbett McGee’s Friday – I had green beer for St. Patrick’s Day, which is always fun. Went to bed at 9-something – complete exhaustion.

Saturday, we got up, went to the bank, Walmart, then Greenville to do returns to Ann Taylor and Gap. Everything was fine until we got back to the apt, and Mama & Susanna came over – Bobby’s funk took over, and he just acted mean, bitter, childish. I went to Mama Penn’s with the family without him, which probably wasn’t the best decision for the well-being of my marriage.

The night ended in a huge fight – he said that his slice of the pie wasn’t big enough, that he doesn’t get enough attention, that he’s tired of competing with my family and always losing. And I said that he’s a brat, and there’s only so much of me to go around, and I’m sorry that I haven’t figured out how to put cancer in a box and not allow it to control my entire life.

Oh, it was ugly. I realized – and I told him – that he doesn’t even act like the person I married anymore. He’s antisocial and bitter and unhappy – and even while I’m saying it, I know that I’m not the person he married either. I don’t know how to make it better – maybe just putting our heads down and continuing to trudge and hoping for best? Or incorporate golf and Clemson season tickets into the budget, set our payoff plan back a year, and encourage him to go fart around and blow time and money every weekend? Maybe his having a full-time job is going to help… but I don’t know. It worries me but I don’t know how to fix it.

Mama, Jennifer, Susanna and I went to Orangeburg yesterday to see Grandpa and Grandma – on the way, I told them that I might not go back to Dr. Hearn in June or July – that I might push it back to Sept or Oct so that Bobby and I can pay off our debt before getting pregnant. And Jennifer got mad – she said that it sounds like it’s not only Bobby who’s dragging their feet, and I’m never going to have a baby at the rate that I’m going. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m almost 30 years old, and I’m spinning my wheels. I told Bobby Saturday night and it’s the truth – I cannot imagine slivering my pie into yet another slice – Bobby, Sauer-Danfoss, the family as a unit, Jennifer being pregnant, Mama’s health (yeah, that should’ve been first), Daddy’s constant demands in relation to Mama’s health, the Bowman drama (Merrill’s wedding, Grandpa dying, the dairy blowing up), and then all the peripheral things that have to stay in the air as well…

And let’s not forget the wedding business – god forbid that we forget that damn business. The demos still haven’t all been sent, and the office is a mess and some of the brides are driving me up a freaking wall.

I have a conference call at 10am – in 45 minutes – and I just don’t feel like it. I’m invited to have tea on the College Street Baptist annual luncheon with Mama and Jean Bonham on Saturday and I don’t feel like it. I’m invited to a sex-toy party at Noel’s on Saturday, and then Linda’s birthday is Sunday, and I don’t feel like it. I’m tired of Bobby acting like he hates my family. I’m tired of not really blaming him if he does hate them because they’re life-suckers and they don’t even realize it. He says that they just barge into our apartment whenever they feel like it, and that’s his “safe zone” – and Saturday night, he mentioned going to a movie, and Jennifer said “oh I want to see Premonition”, and he said “I meant just me and Sarah – you always find a way to butt in.” And I could see the hurt on her face – Bobby’s words are really hurtful, and he doesn’t even bother trying to hold them back anymore. Granted, she wasn’t invited and she shouldn’t have assumed that we would all go together. But there’s no justification for him being so hateful. I made a joke out of it, trying to take the edge off, but that’s only going to work for so long because he’s not even trying anymore. I don’t know what to do.

Honestly, maybe I actually invite my family into my life as much as possible because I don’t want it to be just me and Bobby. Or maybe I just want to piss him off or punish him on some level. Why would I do that? Why am I so hateful?

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